attached

I didn't realize how attached I have become
to my laptop
at this moment I am using Gary's computer
because I loaned mine to Brandon
his went kablooey
and is not worth fixing so that means a new one

timing is never great for that kind of news
especially with tests coming up this week
happy to help him out
and it was interesting for me to learn
that I have become more and more used to
having my own... and do miss it!

when Gary was taking it out to bring to Brandon's
I gave it a "hug" and said goodbye to my "friend"

it has become my journal more than anything else /
for my son I can do this for a few days
without being cranky, I guess (!)

today I made a donation of "stuff"
and that felt good
chipping away is my way of operating
for now

yesterday at work I shared with two of my friends
what it was like for me to experience the
blizzard the other day.
it surprised me how much more intense it was
than I wanted to confide here in writing

I sounded a bit like a wild woman to myself
and probably to them as I spoke freely
I missed being with them even those
few days
and as we spoke of the challenges of the storm
I let the storm in me come out
safe with them

why did I hesitate here?
because I didn't want to write down
"on paper"
anything that would make it sound like
I was fighting with my husband

when I said it in spoken words
sure enough I was fighting with my husband
and it didn't sound all that awful

here's more of what that blizzard was like
stormier than my last visit with that story:

I wanted to go out and shovel in the storm
and Gary strongly opposed the idea
with thoughts like
you will slip and fall
get hurt
break bones
then you will be hurt and unable
to work and on and on
and I just yelled: SHUT UP SHUT UP!
if I want to go out then that is what I am going to do

and that little dance that goes back and forth
into nowhere

so I shut up my own mouth
got dressed for the blizzard outdoors
communicated with Bryan indoors
and walked out into the whiteout
hot enough under the collar to do away with
the need for a scarf, temporarily

yes yes yes I know that he was showing a kind
of concern, etc
I get that

here is what happens to me:

I WANT TO GO AND DEAL WITH THAT BLIZZARD DAMN IT
BECAUSE I CAN
BECAUSE I AM ALIVE
BECAUSE IT IS A BATTLE THAT IS OUTSIDE OF MYSELF
THAT I WANT TO TEST MYSELF AGAINST
I want to shovel snow because I like to
I want to be happy and peaceful and focused
a kind of meditation even
a sense of being really in the crazy frozen edgy moment

these thoughts do no not appear in my mind as it is happening
all the time
all I know in the moment is that I will not miss
this opportunity
I will not send my son out there without me
and I want to laugh my --- off right at the wind
pounding my face raw
I want to laugh with my son OUT LOUD
and have him see me value the experience
not sit inside afraid of breaking another bone
or afraid of becoming so tired that I am knocked out
for the next three days

I want to show him how to "think about snow"
and where to put it when there are mountains
piling up
how to deal with drifts and how to make a plan
together
that makes sense out of a crazy scene

I want to NOT MISS a blizzard the likes of which
has not happened here in over 25 years
and if it is another 25 years before the next one
I might not be around or at age 81 might not be up for
the next one!

with this 2nd life of mine, I am constantly
dealing with facing very serious things all the time
my family has to look at me and that must be so hard on them
I know that

so once in a while
I am going to do things that may not be
the wisest
most cautious
self-protecting actions in the moment

I don't want to be reckless and bring more havoc
pain and general chaos into play

but I'll tell you what:

if I need to go out into a blizzard and
look it straight in the eye
and laugh as I try to tame it
then I will

no broken bones
no slipping on ice
no wiped-out-for-the-next-three-days
flat on my back reports

rosy cheeks
stronger arms and legs
my ol' DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CAN'T DO
lovely sweet attitude
in full force and swing...

I felt so ALIVE out there in the Blizzard of 2011!
I LOVED being out there with my son!
It grabbed me and we wrestled, that storm and me...
it was nature in a dramatic state
and I refused to miss the encounter

That's a bit more of that story "filled in"
shall I say

it sure makes me very aware of how
much space is between the lines when writing
anything at all
ever