Wednesday, February 29, 2012


today is leap year day
so on the last day of February had to mention
a Valentine scene or two

Bryan was determined to get these incredible
chocolate covered strawberries for his girlfriend
we went downtown on a cold day, the 13th,
and The Candy Factory was an impressive sight!

it is magical in a Harry Potter sort of way as Bryan sees it
so many details come to mind...

I felt privileged to see the sweet things they did for each other
a lot of heart and meaning surrounding everything

on the 25th, they celebrated their 6-month anniversay
of dating

and they decided to go to Olive Garden with a gift card
they received from us at Christmas time
Bryan gave her a lovely charm bracelet made by one of his
best friend's Dad who is a jeweler here in Columbia
a specially engraved heart with the words:

"All Ways and Always"

he has always liked it when I used those words and asked me
if it was alright if he adopted them: Wonderful!

while they were eating their dinner
a teenager was with her parents eating across the way from their table
as she was leaving, she presented a paper to Bryan and Olivia
with a little cartoon she had drawn of them together
Japanese anime style which Bryan loves
she told them that they looked so cute together she just had to draw them!

that cartoon has been posted on Olivia's facebook page: so sweet!

that moved me so much that a young girl would take the time
to notice Bryan and Olivia, draw them, and give it to them personally
it says so much about all of them - and the girl's Mom was part of it, too!

on my desk in my office at work I stamped the saying:
"Live the Life you have Imagined."....

tonight is the big dress rehearsal for Grease that parents can attend
we are allowed to take photos tonight, not during the next three nights
of actual public performances
I can't decide if I want to got with Gary for this or not
part of me does
part of me wants to wait for the actual first performance tomorrow night

I have tickets for all three nights
and will attend with different people each night
what a fun time in his life!
what a fun time for all of us!

it was scary and then safe

several weeks ago
in the midst of being wound very tightly
Brandon came over to watch a movie here
I knew it would be a "guys night" kind of time
the movie not my kind of thing

called Drive

the ads made me nervous
Brandon is intrigued by films with edgy aspects
I still tend towards Singing in the Rain
so being tired anyway
I watched for a bit and knew I was at the edge of when it
would get intense beyond my desire to be part of it
went upstairs and fell asleep....


all I can recall was this awful noise
so loud and shocking
I started screaming in real life
and the difference between reality and cinematics
got all blurred
in my head I was back in time when Bryan was little
and there was an accident in the kitchen
a cabinet came off the wall
and I heard Brandon screaming Bryan's name

sleep at the time,
I ran into the kitchen and found Bryan
was inside the cabinet that had fallen on the floor
the door had opened and his little body fit inside
he was bumped but he was not crushed
I had screamed then, too...

that whole experience came rushing back and I was there
with my heart smashing inside of me
unable to differentiate what was going on from what had really
happened many years ago

downstairs in movie-land
the three guys at first thought that my screaming was part of the movie
so they were confused by my panic and calls to the boys
"are you alright? are you hurt?..."

"it's the TV, Mom. It's the movie. The sound got loud suddenly..."

I felt so sick and nauseous, heart pounding in painful memory
and a sickly relief came over me:
it was only a movie

then all of a sudden
there was a gentle knock on the door
I poked my head out of the blanket
there was a silhouette
my tall kind Brandon asking if he could come in

of course

and he sat at the edge of the bed and held my hand
he was all kindness and patience with me
his voice was soft and reassuring
he wanted to make sure I was alright
his being there made all the difference

he got up at one point and then sat down again holding my hand
a calm came to me

in reflection I realized the incredible power of gentleness
my son was taking care of his mother, once again,
and I remembered taking care of him over the years
the past, the present moment and a sweet glimpse into his future
he would be there for his wife, a little son or daughter who
perhaps will have a bad dream or a tough day and need a kind Dad...

I tend to relegate my fears to private rooms inside the cavern of my mind
a movie moment shattered the walls
and they came tumbling down

a man of kindness rescued me and turned the rubble
into soft clouds

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

cocoon time

trying to find a way to put into words
the past month(s) or so
the image of cocoon comes to mind
I had to look up how to spell it

this morning I go for treatment day
and will get a new med for the in-between time
during this chemo breaktime

just when I get a bit used to shifting away from
the past months, something new
yes, I am always grateful to have a new tool
or weapon to throw at cancer
and yes, it is quietly a bit scary to get into
new territory
not knowing how I will need to adjust to the side effects
that come along

I use the word "cocoon" to describe the last months
because I was able to go along to a certain extent
working, etc. and then essentially dropping off the grid
and onto the couch as soon as I would come home

it was hard to look into the mirror of my exhaustion
generally disappointed with myself
am I depressed?
is it helping to rest or
am I kidding myself trying to believe that?
the chemo was working as far as holding off any progression
and at the same time taking its toll on my energy

yesterday my friend Janet called at the office where I work
and I assured her that I was indeed ALIVE
in a cocoon-state of being
and would dedicate my next blog to her:
here it is!
I want to gently unwind this cocoon
and find a renewed sense of beginning-again

this morning Bryan and I ran out to the car to listen
to the radio
it is a whole story in itself
his sweetie Olivia and three other cast members
from the upcoming musical Grease were featured
on two different radio stations within minutes of each other
an interview on one station
a song on the other
Bryan will be dancing in his black Converse All Star sneakers
and on March 1, 2, 3
I will be tapping my feet in the audience

we loved every second this morning
sitting in the cold car together...

there are stories from Cocoon Land
that I kept in mind not to forget
sharing them will be part of unraveling the silk threads