Tuesday, January 25, 2011

what's up

bone scan in the morning
then chemo
CT scan next Wednesday
then chemo
and talk about what the scans tell us
and what course I want to take

I am reading two books
one is about healing and miracles
and the relationship between mind & body
the other book is kind of gritty
by a cancer survivor
I became disconnected when
the author referred to chemo as "poison"

ah yes, the slash-burn-and-poison crowd
someday I am going to map out how words
have affected me over these years, for example
to hear on a news program
how some terrible world situation is like a
cANCER of global proportions...

and if I hear just one more time
from ANYONE:
well, you know Gloria, you have cancer but
I could walk out this door
and get hit by a bus...
or well, we are all going to die
I would really like my response to be


with absolutely no negativity no judgement
no nothin' except the laughter
of the free
based on all I have learned
from people with fiercely brave hearts

I get nervous before tests
so I let off some of the pressure and steam

I felt very sad when Elizabeth Edwards passed away
she and I had/have the same cancer
basically the same prognosis
at the time the news came out about her
I was going to funerals
for some friends
saying goodbye to others who
didn't want sevices
and I look around the chemo room
with reflection

this is not morbid on my part
it is reality it is one of my worlds
I let myself be sad for as short a time
as possible
because I KNOW that they would all want me to
BE ALIVE and love it!
so I honor them with giving
and laughing
and hoping
and going
to the hospital tomorrow
making at least a few people laugh
which automatically (sp?) brightens
me up
to face the next step
for more time.

Elizabeth said she wished for more time
yet with all her millions
she could not buy the one more day
I have right now
and that is enough
it is a gift

I need to ask my doctor why I am lasting longer
I think I know the answer but I want to ask

for me chemo is not poison it is a medicine
surgery was not a slashing / it was painful and disfiguring
but I chose to have that tumor taken out of my body
and radiation did burn
but my meditation / mantra each time of 35 treatments
was that it was a
healing light
that I was directing to destroy what was standing
in my way
of a future

tonight I think loving thoughts
and gather courage
in memories and dreams

in the morning
I will wake up and say
thank you for this new day

PS: the last time I went in for a bone scan
the technician asked me a litany of questions
that should have been on his computer read-out
of me
anyway, when he asked in a monotone drone
"are you allergic to anything?"
I answered, forcing him to look me straight in the eyes:
"yes, boredom."
and he rolled his eyes
and I enjoyed myself immensely (where's that smiley face thingy?)


  1. I love your Gloria!!! Sending you a big smiley face!!

  2. I love this post, Gloria (esp the last sentence!). I accompanied my friend Rita for some of her chemo treatments, and we made it our business to entertain the staff and other patients. No boredom! :)

    My favorite episode occurred one day when we had waited a couple of hours for test results before treatment could begin, during which time Rita could have no water. She was thirsty, and her sister, who was with us that day, rummaged around in her purse and pulled out a peppermint stick. Rita declared that no restriction against candy had been mentioned, and she stuck the stick in her mouth like a stogie and proceeded to promenade past the desk where her nurse and PA happened to be. The picture I captured of this rascal and the looks of surprise and hilarity she elicited from the staff is one of my all-time favorites.

    Too bad we're not there to help you shake things up! :)

  3. For those of us who don't know, and can't begin to imagine, what it is like to live with cancer every day, your posts are like a window into another world. But your words show me that it is a world that is, in its own way, every bit as textured, nuanced, passionate, and full as the life you had before. With love you have turned this new life into an experiment in living creatively and meaningfully, and I am grateful you are sharing it with us, inviting us in as far as we dare to dip our toes or dive in with you. I marvel at your courage and I laugh along with you.

  4. These lines are beautiful...

    in the morning
    I will wake up and say
    thank you for this new day

    Kim F.