Thursday, January 27, 2011

do I want to know

yesterday was on the long side
started out by forgetting that I was going
to the hospital so I ended up at the cancer center
which isn't far
but made me realize that I was a bit on
automatic pilot

got my injection for the bone scan
and the technician was very nice
so I could overlook the fact that he blew
a vein, oh well

three hours later I would return

blood work ok'd chemo
and I was in busybee mode
running off nerves
and trying to set myself up for peaceful moments

I had a reflexology treatment set up - and it was
a gift
got permission from my doctor and the head nurse
in the chemo room to have it - my way of getting
this idea into the system shall we say
apparently it has been done in the past
but I want to see it now and for all who
would like the benefits
the nurses as well as patients
I sure appreciated it

listened to a cd on "sound therapy" at the same time
and before treatment
clarified my philosophy about attitude towards
chemo being medicine vs poison
we were on the same page
bit of a semantics issue quickly resolved

took myself back to get the bone scan completed
do I want to know the results
I could have called today but didn't

I will find out next week when I meet my doctor
we will look at the scans together
over the phone is not the best nethod for me right now

I had forgotten how hard I took it to hear that
I had tumors in my skull
we had time to talk about it
it has been quite a while since I consciously
thought about that
then it all comes back in a wave...

this morning before work I read
the comments posted here that are on my email
I cried in gratitude in a solidarity
that surrounded me with protection and joy

thank you

I do not know "blog ettiquette"
if it is a kind of open email sense of
commenting on the comments here on the blog
or is it more usual (sounds strange)
to respond in an actual email format so I might be
a little more personal in the privacy of that
or BOTH ways?? I am learning as I go here

I wonder how to proceed
is this the place where layers get peeled back
do I skim on the surface for some period of time
and then let loose

for over four years I have lived much of that time
in a fog
there have been very dark times
I know that I was not communicating
and that there were people who were hurt and angered
that made me more contracted

it was all I could do to survive and live through
some aspects of this 2nd life one time
to write it over and over
to answer questions that I had to face again and again
I did not have the power in me to do it

and I felt tremendous guilt

there were times when I could not open a card
for months because I was overwhelmed by the idea
of responding to it
I also knew that once I opened it
the love I would feel from it would be healing
so I carried the paper with me
a symbol of connection

maybe someday I can find the mindset to tell
stories without the impact of re-living them
I know that there are things I could share that
could help people understand us/survivors
and that would be a benefit

living forward has been my motto
not an escape from the past
rather a forging ahead
breaking certain shackles
and running free with those who would run with me
sitting quietly too

I love people
I love life and living it
I want to learn things worth learning
and pass on what has been given so generously
to me
by lovely people in my lifetime

yesterday was a day of many hugs I noticed
I have a tendency to walk around and make that happen

oh, Jane who is a volunteer
is a complete chapter in any book I would ever write
she must be in her 70's
God help me if I am wrong
when we first met
she said two words and I knew she was from New York
two more words and I guessed Brooklyn - right of course

we love to laugh together and it gets other people involved
in our nonsense
and she always brings me my ice water
and my favorite style of warm blanket
the natural one

happy dreams


  1. In the past I have dealt with pain by ignoring it, that way then I don't have to feel, but does one need to feel, does one need to describe how one feels, I think the answer is to set your heart free, feel what you want to feel & then let the rest go. If one holds on to all the pain, one suffers, being able to share the pain makes the pain feel a little less painful, besides we all need to "relax, enjoy the moment", the more we release the better we least that is how it has worked for me.

    Love You ever so much & know that to be human is to be real, never ever feel you must, just feel what you are, which is loved, ever so much loved.

    Now all I can hope is that I expressed myself correctly, we are butterflies who flyfree!!!