Wednesday, July 13, 2011

barefoot wandering

I think I am in a bit of a trance
trying to figure out where to fall down and fall asleep next
today we did med kind of errands for Bryan
and also dropped him off for a day of tennis camp
with his brother as one of the teachers
so I needed to pick him up, too

got some things done in the way of cleaning and packing
get very tired in the heat and stress of the mess of it all
and found myself falling asleep later wherever I happened
to crash
was so embarrassed when Brandon came by to deliver another
of his loads since he is needing to be out of his apt by Thursday
and he is temporarily camping out with us in the midst
of it all
he brought a friend
and I woke up to his voice not realizing we had company
and I was so disoriented
I was sleeping in Bryan's bed since it was the quietest place
at the time
so there was this spaced out Mom
crawling out of the netherotherwander world saying hi
to his friend as I try to get one slipper on
having left the other one in the other room
because of a mosquito bite on my big toe...

apologizing away
I am sure I was not an impressive sight
so there I am trying to find earrings as if that is going to
oh brother
what a mess
might as well be funny otherwise it will be scary, sad and
rather pathetic

we are all still adjusting to our experiences the other day
with the whole graveside service
and missing one we have loved for a very long time

a crash course in family-restoration-at-the-funeral 101
when someone has to die before people can live
with each other
declaring that one crazy person screwed up relationships
for many years
and she had to die years ago to set her own son free from
herselfishness and judgmental attitudes...
so Gary gained back his only cousin in this world
they could finally meet as men
in front of a coffin
and many stories were told that day
and telephone numbers and addresses written down
on the backs of Memorial Cards
saying when Dorothy Jean Johnson Jenkins was born
and died
and the date was marked when the family
that disfunctioned for so long
functioned a bit better

I immersed myself in the process as much as I was invited to
and I invited myself in when it seemed right
what is there to lose?

my own father waited until his last gasping breaths
to say what needed to be said over a lifetime
when something is so broken and smashed as our lives were
a few words at the very end seemed so
they were self-serving words
and I did want to believe them
only to be proven gullible later
I thought the hitting would end when he died
he managed to hit me after... one last time

deathbed confessions
family reunions casket-side
I'll try to find value anywhere I can
but bloody hell
let's get it together sooner than later why don't we

being stretched is perhaps not the best time
to write
stuff happens and I let it out
without regret this time

still barefoot
strange choice of earrings
I looked in a mirror a while ago
and had to laugh
and actually liked my craziness
whether Brandon's friend ever shows up here again
we'll have to wait and see
but I will make sure he gets the message that
he is always welcome
even if I look like a "hobbit" (thanks, Brandon)

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