design

a desire came upon me to play around with the design of my blog
anything to do with "playing around" on the computer
beyond what I know
which is very little
is essentially unheard of by me in my own head with my own ears

I have watched Gary and Bryan over the years
with their experimentation, fearless pursuit of what might happen
if they keep going deeper wider closer as if jumping down
Alice's rabbit hole enjoying the ride especially
the part of not knowing where they might end up
what bumps along the way
yet very confident that the process will lead to something
NEW

instead of asking one of them to help me re-design here
knowing that I wanted a change
not any particular idea of what
I just started pushing buttons
that had words like "design" and had pretty color choices
and interesting fonts

I had to laugh at myself when I didn't even know what
anything at all was called when it came to labels
oh, that is the this-and-that, ok, so maybe that is the so-and-so
no, but it's interesting, hmmm, well, that set of colors
makes that happen, etc...

and so after a long time that went by faster than the clock indicated
I came upon a very simple look that looks like I want it to for now.

maybe it is chalk on the blackboard of life?
perhaps just the clean lines of black and white
simplifying
such a complicated intense time for me recently

de-cluttering on here when I am also de-cluttering the rest of
life around myself
hopefully it is not hard to read

it is funny to me to look at this now
me, the one who loves the colors of Mexican weavings
and yes
the essence of Japanese brush paintings
those contrasts dance in me

and so I pick up a white piece of chalk
and write simply
strip down the words
strip down my distractions
strip away old paint
leaving some wood exposed and rough
putting a new coat other places

always in search of the genuine

a touch of turquoise here and there on this new "canvas"
silver finger nails if you can believe it
hands and head finding new expressions
gradually setting aside the fears of
what if I mess this up

guess what
it never mattered
I gently remind myself
play like a child

and I always loved chalkboards
when they were slate, or tar, and now a screen...

watching a fighter

I never thought a certain friend would ever
ever ever have to deal with cancer
she is just too strong
too positive
too vital
a kind of energetic spirit
I could go on and on
and when I visited her at her farm
there she was with her great smile
and fuzzy new chemo hairdo with a bandanna (sp?)
to deal with sweat not a way to mask
her sparse cute hair

she is sporting a new vitality
power
it is different than before
her face is lighter features-wise
I think when we lose our eyelashes and brows
or they lighten up some
also our skin has a kind of transluscent look
I see it sometimes in the faces I pass by
as we go down the halls and mazes of the cancer center

her creativity knows no bounds
and she has bounded back with a vengeance
that I marvel at

it is hard not to compare
and wonder why why about many things in myself

it would be best to gain inspiration
rather than judge myself...

I noticed she was wearing beautiful sparkly earrings
different than what I had ever seen her wear before
they are a gift from her daughter
who wanted her mom to have sparklers as a reflection
of her vast love and admiration
it was wonderful seeing them together
talking about the meaning they placed upon the gift

it was wonderful being on their farm
signing a box which is a gift for my son Brandon
(I placed my order for these before her diagnosis)
made from wood that came from an old Boone County barn
another part of the same barn that Bryan's box is made from
I have wanted this for years
boxes made by Carolyn Linton
from Boone County barn wood for my treasure-children
she is putting the finishing touches on
the coats of hand-rubbed wax from England I believe

her daughter was beside herself excited to hear
me say
that this move we are making has opened me up
to my desire to create "things" of art again
her daughter shared with me stories
of how we met and how small pieces of my artwork
from what feels like another lifetime ago
grace her life...

that was very moving to me
and I smiled to think of the artwork of my friends
that grace my life
a lovely turquoise handbag and fabric fortune cookies
tucked into a Chinese takeout box
so perfect and so loving
and my gratitude spills over

affirmed & closer

yesterday we reached our 29th anniversary mark
it was funny, because the reminder was that we were receiving
anniversary cards, that clued us in
time has warped, and I find myself enveloped in the moment
sometimes in excellent, paying attention mode
other times so intensely wrapped in bubbles of
concern that I cannot see the ground under my feet
remember the year when it is important to
and then use an extreme amount of focus
to climb back into today
from somewhere else...

so, almost 30 years being married
we had to laugh when it took a few moments to
realize the actual date
my attention has been on trying to find a new home
appointments that need to be made & kept
from haircuts to college visits
oh yeah, laundry
and then checking and checking to see how things are
going with the house
and Brandon is needing to find a new living scene as well

and we are close now
just heard a short time ago that the house we hope for
is now under contract with Gary's sister!
Things are moving along, a new place is closer
I wrote about what I was experiencing the other day
here in blogland
and it was zapped
perhaps it needed to be

I find it interesting that the name of the street
that we will move to is called Affirmed
named after a great horse-in-history I presume
with all kinds of other equestrian things going on
in the neighborhood
Affirmed is a good word
affirmations are significant statements
both internally and verbally

this morning I worked and my 96 1/2 year old gentleman
affirmed my value in kindly direct ways
thanking me for making his life more comfortable and fun
we have these talks that I enjoy and wish I could
record in some way!
I teased him a bit about that today:
"I ran to the kitchen to get a paper and pen so I
could capture a quote of yours and then
I was trying so hard to remember and then my own words
crept in and I lost it! I want to write a book
of 'Lee's Words of Wisdom... in the trenches of real life'
a real long life..."

I just now realized that I have been married longer than not married
29 years married / 57 years old
having time with Brandon and Bryan yesterday and this weekend
is very special
good to laugh and hope
just good to be together
whatever is going on

getting closer

putting more things in motion

I have an aversion to the phrase
"putting your affairs in order"
I am sure to have spouted my opinions on the topic
before
car loads of donations make me happy

Bryan and I went to Access Arts with some more
art things: an easel, box of wood pieces of all kinds,
a crazy-cool bunch of frames
and the staff was there thanking me
and asked if we would like to see where
my workbench with the power tools was placed
you bet we would
so we went to the building next door which is the workroom
there it was in a new home!
and I saw that it was already being used - the grin felt good

a set of wood cubes we brought
will live in the new Gallery with lovely pieces of pottery on them
for sale to raise funds for the great work of Access Arts...
some old shutters may become display units for lovely woven pieces...
they like to ask me what I had envisioned for the things I donate
apparently, my eyes tend "to sparkle" when I get on my roll

I can still hear the sound of the Dremel scroll saw
and the Delta belt sander
I can smell the wood shavings
and I will not miss cleaning up after using the tools!
I am so happy to hear that my huge paper cutter
is cutting paper all the time
not collecting dust

and so more things need to find their new purpose
as they pass from my hands to another's
it will be fun to see the new creations from
my tools
of the trade
it makes me want to sign up for more classes there for sure!

a long long time

since hearing that we needed to move
time took on a strange life of its own
finding a place to rent was getting very rough
and the waters swirling all over seemed to never
pool in a smooth place for very long

the houses available were the houses that
were not the one on the street that you
hoped it would be
oh why does it have to be the one that needs the
most work?
I tried to wrap my head around making sense
out of anything that might possibly work

I can do this
I can fix that
we can ask for a lower price
maybe
the backyards were a mess or non-existent
my mind was stretching extremely far
Gary and Bryan were keeping pace better than
I was
and they encouraged me to see past what we were seeing
Hasn't that been a specialty of mine all these years?
What is wrong with me, why am I not the vision-maker I thought I was?
there was a point when
we kept seeing the prices going up and up
and the places correspondingly going down and down
and it all culminated in a drive together
to a "house" in Prathersville nearby on E. Tower Road
I believe it was east but that didn't matter

we were all stunned into laughter
it was so ridiculous
what the description was in print to the high rent
for such a low budget junky place IN REALITY
with a huge water tower at the end of the bumpiest road
since our romantic memory days in Guatemala!
this had no romance in it whatsoever
but it felt so good to laugh our asses off
to release some of the building sense of fear and gloom and doom
that we knew we had to shed
in order to persevere under the time gun
of finding a new place to live

in my mind
I stretched myself to keep believing that all would work out
the stretching was working at times
and wearing me down at other times
I do not want to be defeated by this
I want to rise to the occasion
if only occasionally
enough to be part of the team we have to be
to get to a new place
on many levels...

after weeks of searching
a phone call came that changed everything
Gary's sister who lives in Florida
called
she has wanted to buy real estate here in Columbia
for years as an investment
she would look around whenever they visited
I knew that yet not for even one second did I connect
that with our present situation
well, they did

she and her husband
want to buy a house and we will become the renters
who will be ever so grateful
and will take excellent care of their house/our next home
the gears shifted
it was a total screeching halt new direction experience

the next day I went to work and after taking care
of my elderly client for the morning
found myself overwhelmed and sick to my stomach
the stress that had been building just snapped
so I called in sick for the office part of my afternoon
and just collapsed
and began to regroup

working with a great realtor
we are looking for a house within the budget
and have seen a number of houses
one stands out so far
and will see many more this week
this must all happen within a relatively short time
since it takes about five weeks to pull it all together
once we all make a choice together

his sister was great about it:
"...so have fun, guys! Go online and shop for a house!"...
I hold onto that sentiment
I do feel serious about it all as this is an investment
for them in the long run
...

and and and and
Brandon flew from Sarajevo and is back!
what a transformative time for him
his stories are rich
his photos are treasures
the souvenirs that he bought us are so reflective
the letter sent to me from Mahdi's Mom
moved me so deeply
I starter to read it out loud while we were sitting
on the floor together
I started crying and handed the letter to him to read
and he got all choked up
and so we went back and forth
until we completed the note with such heart
handwritten by my first son's first love
as her mother shared her thoughts in another language
and yet the language of love
transcends all barriers
it was a note from one mother to another
speaking about the children we love
and our happiness for who they are as individuals
and who they are now together
it is a lovely handmade card
form two lovely women in a faraway land
not so far really
because I can hug the same young man
they embraced then in the flesh
and now in their hearts

to hear Brandon and Bryan laughing together is my music
my greatest joy
he came back on Thursday night
and wanted to stay at our place rather than his apartment
culture shock is one way to describe his process
talk about being stretched!
how wonderful that he was here
last night
when Bryan went on his first official date
and his first kiss!
my boys are very open OMG sometimes I wonder WHY!
we tease Brandon that he is like Will Smith's character
in the movie "Hitch"... the true love coach

and so we continue today looking at houses
and in the big picture
what truly matters is who we are becoming
whatever the address on the envelopes...

Art in the Park and Dorothy's frogs

this weekend is Art in the Park 2011
it seems like forever ago that I would get
to the point of being in my booth
surrounded by creations of my hands
shaking hands with people coming in
to look
many times to buy
to share a word or two
and to share a moment in time
a story with me

it was a lot of work to get to that point
it was a lot of work for us to set up and take down
Brandon remembers helping set up
Bryan was very little
I remember when Gary would take the kids
each day to come and see Mom
and how much I loved seeing their little faces
as they looked around and gathered in impressions
in their minds
I wondered how it affected them
in that moment and in their lives

my heart is always with the artists this weekend
and I wish I had unlimited funds to buy from
EVERYONE!
just to be part of that affirmation of their work
their visions
the art that becomes part of a new story as it
passes from creator to appreciator
to be used
to be admired
to be gifted to a friend
sailing away into another life

I see a huge swirl of activity
of hope
of eyes so tired from crunching until the final moment
there are the seasoned professionals
they have a certain presence
there are the newcomers
and oldcomers with new ideas
there are politics in play as well as sheer bliss
musicians play
and the children play
each year has a different flavor
like ice cream

this afternoon I am invited with other Home Instead CareGivers
to Ms. Dorothy's home
her daughter is wanting us to come and pick out a frog
or a sweatshirt from her vast collection
as a small token to remember her mama
that will be the first time all of us will be there
at her home together
and will be our last

I am sure we will share some funny stories
and walk away enriched by a kind and generous family
who really knows how to laugh
and live meaningfully

this morning I could have stayed in bed for the day it seemed
and so I got a much earlier start than planned
got some things accomplished
moved some stuff to the trash
set some things in motion

people and memories
people and memories
yes
more people and more stories
then
more memories
and loving people
making sure they know it
again & always
all ways
once again

insight upside

it was a relief to work yesterday
my elderly gentleman client
who makes a point of enjoying the fact that he is
4 years away from 100
asked me to place the mountain of mulch
around the dozens and dozens of marigolds I planted
it was time consuming and my back paid a certain price
but it was good to be outside sweating with a shovel
and some time to think...

at the office I could share with my boss/friend(s)
and the support meant a lot
not wanting to be just a sad/cranky person I appreciated
being in company
my client called the marigold bed "mine" since I had taken the project
from idea to completion
I had the opportunity to observe his birdhouse and bird feeders
reflecting on the idea of home in nature...

last evening we were on the phones with a realtor employed
to help us find our way with this

we are seeing the move from the point of view of change
and came up with some new ideas
now we shall see if we can actualize them
ok, onward