good to know

this morning I was in a grocery store
with an elderly client
what a sweet guy he is!
he made a list for me to gather things
and a list for himself
and he is so together that he
actually divided the big store in half
shopping-wise so we would each focus
...whatever

I am all over the place
and not so together
as to be able to compartmentalize like a
neat and tidy grocery list

yesterday was a no-go for chemo
white blood cell count the lowest ever
and just could not manage it
bone marrow got kicked big time

good to know
why I have been so wiped out this past week
good to know
that I had to cancel a dental extraction
coming this Saturday
now who knows when

Tuesday after work was the first day in a week
that I did not feel nauseous
so I went to this little Korean/Japanese restaurant
that Gary and I like
and I just ordered my favorite dish
a bowl of veggies on rice
with all these little side dishes

the owner's American name is Gloria
it is on her business card
and she always sends me a treat of some kind
a slice of fresh pineapple
was like it was sent from the kitchen gods

she came out to say hello
and also to let me know that she has to return to Korea
very soon to have an operation
sounds like pre-cancerous condition
so it was a good decision to go that day to see her
before she leaves

it is hard to live this way long term at times
I can go for months into years with a fighting attitude
and have days when I even forget what I am dealing with
then there are weeks like this last one where I am so
exhausted
and I feel like I am accomplishing almost nothing

I try not to "measure" value by productivity
and yet there are times when that's all I see

I finally wrote out and legally set-up my living will
yesterday
all notarized and filed and now at some point
I will share with Gary and Brandon and Bryan
the contents... this weekend seems like a good time

feels very good to have done that
it has been developing in my head for years
and had to be on paper
so now it is, so be it
it is a positive step for me, I was in a very good place doing it

I am glad to have a job
maybe I am working a bit too much under the circumstances
physically
but under the circumstances
financially
it is just good to know
I can work

part of me looks this over and thinks:
what the hell are you doing writing drivel like this for?
I want to live in a very different state of heart and mind
so why not push past all this?
in the future
do I want Brandon and Bryan to read this?
and the answer that comes very quietly is
yes, I do
not so they can feel sad
but so that they can know
it will be good to know
that it wasn't always
easy
but it is always
all ways
a worthy process
and that is

very
good to know