the past few months have been a blur of time
living it was about all I could manage
the chemo that knocked me down
was hard to bounce back from
I kept getting sick from anything at all
that came my way
such a low white blood cell count
can do that
and since my tumor markers were shooting up
at the same time
I had to get back on a treatment
it is "even-ing out" I would say
and so it is best to
"stay calm and carry on"
there were other things going on as well
and perhaps most profoundly
was the fact that in May
with Brandon and Bryan
that completed something for me
I remember counting the months until Brandon's
high school graduation
and making the pledge in my whole being that
I would make it to that day for him
and then, after that,
to Bryan's high school graduation and Brandon's college graduation
and so it came to pass...
I had not calculated how much emphasis
I had placed on those three events
my personal conquer-cancer Olympics
of the heart and mind
going any distance
enduring any pain
getting to those lines
yet they were not finishing lines
and I found myself exhilarated (and exhausted) to have made it
with them and for them
flailing around afterwards
without a clear "next event"
in a way...
then becoming sicker than I have been for a long time
made for blur time
there were many things to keep doing
like working every day
and for longer days
and that was good in its own way
one event on the horizon kept me thinking
and also worrying:
the message in a bottle invitation for the upcoming
art show in Lincoln, Kansas
for months I have had the invitation on my side table
in the living room
seeing it everyday, having ideas and more ideas,
and then being more stuck than ever before
in terms of having the confidence to just begin
a fear and maybe more accurately, an insecurity
about creating "art" overwhelmed me
just thinking was not producing anything that
could be packaged and sent
I asked Bryan if we could talk
more like if he would talk and I could listen
I shared my basic struggle and he took it from there...
his insight into me is very deep
since I could not represent him well enough in my own words
I will say that he knew what I needed to hear
and I was able to begin
and complete the piece
it was a huge struggle for me
"Am I going to embarrass myself if I send this?"
entered my mind many more times than once
Brandon and Gary, Janet and Denise,
also Brandon's girlfriend Mahdi and her Mom
(Milica, visiting from Bosnia)
all helped in the process as well
and I am grateful
I made a rather interesting "nest" as my "vessel"
and the title is:
"mi casa es mi nido"
(my home is my nest)
and I will post a photo tonight maybe
it is in Lincoln now and that makes me happy
Joyce, the Director of the Lincoln Art Center,
has been very kind and I am grateful to her, too.
and my packing of this rather large piece (30 inches tall)
impressed the FedEx person so much that I was offered
a job over the Christmas holidays!
Because I have been dealing with health issues
to such a degree
I really hesitated big time whether or not I would be
able to go to Lincoln as I have wanted to
this past week, it was the first time in a few months
that the numbers are looking better
and my doctor said that we could work out a plan
to make it work for my chemo treatments
if I wanted to go
and he suggested that it would be a great idea
if I did go...
but I feel that perhaps it is too late because I have
not been in the planning-loop with my friends
I kept thinking, if I can just get past this, or that,
and then another crazy thing would come up
(and then my mother-in-law had a bad fall
a month ago and has fallen two more times since then,
the latest this past Saturday - LifeLine knows our
number by heart, so does the ER.)
I guess I am asking here if it still might work out?
ok, I need to get ready to go to work.
out of the blur, into a more clear day