Monday, August 20, 2012

blur

the past few months have been a blur of time
living it was about all I could manage
the chemo that knocked me down
was hard to bounce back from
I kept getting sick from anything at all
that came my way

such a low white blood cell count
can do that

and since my tumor markers were shooting up
at the same time
I had to get back on a treatment
and did

it is "even-ing out" I would say
and so it is best to
"stay calm and carry on"

there were other things going on as well
for example
and perhaps most profoundly
was the fact that in May
with Brandon and Bryan
graduating
that completed something for me
I remember counting the months until Brandon's
high school graduation
and making the pledge in my whole being that
I would make it to that day for him

and then, after that,
to Bryan's high school graduation and Brandon's college graduation
and so it came to pass...

I had not calculated how much emphasis
I had placed on those three events
pivotal moments
absolute goals
my personal conquer-cancer Olympics
of the heart and mind
going any distance
enduring any pain
getting to those lines
yet they were not finishing lines
and I found myself exhilarated (and exhausted) to have made it
with them and for them

flailing around afterwards
without a clear "next event"
in a way...

then becoming sicker than I have been for a long time
made for blur time

there were many things to keep doing
like working every day
and for longer days
and that was good in its own way

one event on the horizon kept me thinking
and also worrying:
the message in a bottle invitation for the upcoming
art show in Lincoln, Kansas

for months I have had the invitation on my side table
in the living room
seeing it everyday, having ideas and more ideas,
and then being more stuck than ever before
in terms of having the confidence to just begin

a fear and maybe more accurately, an insecurity
about creating "art" overwhelmed me
just thinking was not producing anything that
could be packaged and sent

I asked Bryan if we could talk
more like if he would talk and I could listen
I shared my basic struggle and he took it from there...
his insight into me is very deep
since I could not represent him well enough in my own words
I will say that he knew what I needed to hear
and I was able to begin
and complete the piece

it was a huge struggle for me
"Am I going to embarrass myself if I send this?"
entered my mind many more times than once

Brandon and Gary, Janet and Denise,
also Brandon's girlfriend Mahdi and her Mom
(Milica, visiting from Bosnia)
all helped in the process as well
and I am grateful

I made a rather interesting "nest" as my "vessel"
and the title is:
"mi casa es mi nido"
(my home is my nest)
and I will post a photo tonight maybe

it is in Lincoln now and that makes me happy
Joyce, the Director of the Lincoln Art Center,
has been very kind and I am grateful to her, too.

and my packing of this rather large piece (30 inches tall)
impressed the FedEx person so much that I was offered
a job over the Christmas holidays!

Because I have been dealing with health issues
to such a degree
I really hesitated big time whether or not I would be
able to go to Lincoln as I have wanted to

this past week, it was the first time in a few months
that the numbers are looking better
and my doctor said that we could work out a plan
to make it work for my chemo treatments
if I wanted to go
and he suggested that it would be a great idea
if I did go...

but I feel that perhaps it is too late because I have
not been in the planning-loop with my friends
I kept thinking, if I can just get past this, or that,
and then another crazy thing would come up
(and then my mother-in-law had a bad fall
a month ago and has fallen two more times since then,
the latest this past Saturday - LifeLine knows our
number by heart, so does the ER.)

I guess I am asking here if it still might work out?

ok, I need to get ready to go to work.
out of the blur, into a more clear day

8 comments:

  1. Gloria-go if you can--you know that whether "in the loop or not" your friends will make a space and place for you! Glad your nest is safely shipped--can't wait to see a photo of the finished piece!

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  2. Gloria,

    (1) I agree with Janet! Go if you can.

    (2) On another subject, I have some digital photos of Bryan at the Columbia College pinning ceremony and class photo. I will try to get them on a disk and get them to you somehow.

    Jeff G.

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  3. Gloria,
    Of course if you are able to go GO! You know that invitation came from those who love you and your just being able to come would be something they would love to have happen.


    darlene

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  4. Hello, Gloria. I have missed reading your words. I say GO if you can. I second everyone else's comments. I look forward to the photo. I hope you do share. You are safe with us. Love you.
    Kim F.

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  5. This afternoon I spoke with Pam in Lincoln, Kansas, and it was so great to hear her voice and to laugh together once again... Yes, I will be going, and thank you for all the "go" wishes and pushes! I get the Daily OM postings and today it was a lovely piece about traveling like birds in V-formation with those we love. Made a lot of heart-sense in light of this day.

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  6. I'm a couple days late reading this (as usual!!) but I'm so glad to see you'll be going. Because I was going to add my voice to the "go" chorus too!

    Looking forward to hearing the stories you will be bringing back from this special journey. We're all going with you in spirit!

    Love,
    Paul

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  7. Yeah Gloria, you are going, you are on your way to having a lovely time....gentle hugs and lots of smiles are coming your way.

    I just love the next and wow to the package sizing & getting offered a job with UPS!!

    We love you dear one, we love you.

    ReplyDelete