apology on the way

went to the post office with several very different
pieces of mail
a book on the way to Syracuse, NY
a thank you for Bryan's corporate scholarship on the way to Palatine, IL
and a thank you/apology card to Gary's mom down the road apiece...

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist friend today
but it didn't work out - need to be here for the clothes dryer repairman, oh joy

there are times like now when things seem to be
jumbled and scrambled up
and simplicity seems like a foggy misty non-existent state of mind

thanks for the comments-of-wisdom
remembering to breathe and count
reflecting on kindness while looking in the mirror

no doubt about it: I am stressed out over the job situation
and I am taking on many more hours in my own job
which seems to be working out better than I expected.
now that Bryan is a working college man
he wants to help out with carrying some of his own expenses
and he explains his attitude in such a wonderfully mature way.

"Mom, I like becoming more independent and financially responsible..."
he says it better than I do

when I am off chemo for any length of time
my brain makes adjustments literally and physically there are changes
in reality, it takes a very short time for chemo to clear out
of your system
but the side effects and overall impact it makes takes a very long time
to reverse
and part of you is never reversed

sometimes I see that as a good thing
mostly I just see it as that's the way it is
to be completely free, as completely as is possible, from the effects
takes about 18 months of being on a chemo break/vacation
I may never get that much time in between the need to get
back on / usually 5-6 months max
will find that out next Wednesday

so I enjoy the lessening of the weight of it all for
however long as possible
and try to be as calm as possible facing the news that eventually comes
around the bend again

how great that I was able to be free for the graduation days
and mother's day and their birthday!
that was the happiest week of my life I think ever
to this day I wake up and wonder
did Brandon really graduate from college?
he did!
did Bryan really get it all together for Columbia College to work out
and is he really working there now?
yes!
are my kids each other's best friends and are they having
good times together?
yes and yes...

isn't that just great

I am wrestling with things that I don't want to write about
so there is this schizo-mindset going on...

yesterday I was almost in a serious car accident
because of a very old driver who made a very bad mistake.
because I never use a cellphone and do not even know how to text
and because I always still use two hands on the steering-wheel
I was able to maneuver hard and fast as I was screaming
and avoided the collision
and avoided the head-on or rear-ending I might have caused
while trying to get away from Mr. Magoo

a man behind me gave me a tip-of-the-hat gesture
as I was shaking

I came home and shared with the guys here
trying to calm down
we did not need a car accident in this picture

Ok, rambling rose is needing to get the door for the
repairmen...