why

I am wondering about this "blog thing"
mostly because it has been so long since writing anything
down
for four years plus
there has been a silence in my living

I do not want to be fake here - that is not a garment
that feels comfortable at all

there are different ways to write in different formats
I considered a book, zine, facebook, private notes,
blog, writing on canvas/art
not writing at all,
so perhaps all of these options will be explored,
but "not writng" doesn't work for me now

so many wonderful people are in my life
as I carry them around with me in memories and stories
and I know that some of them wonder
is she still alive?
does she remember us?
and the answers are yes and yes,
very deeply yes...

so, I want to reach out and walk with quiet words
for this moment
I want to play with art and share what I am creating
in this 2nd life of mine

soon I will be 57 in my 1st life
I am a little over 4 years old in my 2nd life,
since being diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (with bone mets)

the artist in my soul wants to speak and create, break free
for a long time, there were only blank canvases surrounding me
part of my brain always spins with ideas
yet the follow-through slips through my reality

a little this and a little that... collecting and collecting
"stuff" to become something new in my hands
to find a 2nd life along with me

is there such a thing as the art of staying alive?
the art of drawing hope out of despair?
the art of carving away what is no longer the truest me?
perhaps I have been a working artist these past years,
yet not in the sense
of looking back in time and defining life in past terms...

chipping away at recreating a studio-space
that is taking too long to become more than a wish
there are things to be erased
to be donated
to be loved into newness

today I started painting on a wooden tray
for my 93 year-old friend, a jolly loving braveheart
I went past my fear of my shaking hands
of making a silly drawing
and had fun!

a wooden tray with design inspirations from ceramics
handpainted in Italy and Japan
a bird and flowers
it is freeing to enjoy such a simple expression
it is wonderful to use these simple things in daily life

the potholder made with a vintage child's plastic loom
a wreath made of fabric scraps tied onto a metal ring
a fuzzy purple headband knitted for her daughter...
many things made sitting close together
sharing stories
laughter
and close-to-the-heart experiences of how we feel about living...

perhaps this writing is like a journal for me
quite private and open at the very same moment

perhaps my true
"studio" is more mobile now... I like that thought