what's up

bone scan in the morning
then chemo
CT scan next Wednesday
then chemo
and talk about what the scans tell us
and what course I want to take

I am reading two books
one is about healing and miracles
and the relationship between mind & body
the other book is kind of gritty
by a cancer survivor
I became disconnected when
the author referred to chemo as "poison"

ah yes, the slash-burn-and-poison crowd
someday I am going to map out how words
have affected me over these years, for example
to hear on a news program
how some terrible world situation is like a
cANCER of global proportions...

and if I hear just one more time
from ANYONE:
well, you know Gloria, you have cancer but
I could walk out this door
and get hit by a bus...
or well, we are all going to die
I would really like my response to be

LAUGHTER

with absolutely no negativity no judgement
no nothin' except the laughter
of the free
based on all I have learned
from people with fiercely brave hearts

I get nervous before tests
so I let off some of the pressure and steam
here
and
there

I felt very sad when Elizabeth Edwards passed away
she and I had/have the same cancer
basically the same prognosis
at the time the news came out about her
I was going to funerals
for some friends
saying goodbye to others who
didn't want sevices
and I look around the chemo room
with reflection

this is not morbid on my part
it is reality it is one of my worlds
I let myself be sad for as short a time
as possible
because I KNOW that they would all want me to
BE ALIVE and love it!
so I honor them with giving
and laughing
and hoping
and going
to the hospital tomorrow
making at least a few people laugh
which automatically (sp?) brightens
me up
to face the next step
grateful
for more time.

Elizabeth said she wished for more time
yet with all her millions
she could not buy the one more day
I have right now
and that is enough
it is a gift

I need to ask my doctor why I am lasting longer
I think I know the answer but I want to ask

for me chemo is not poison it is a medicine
surgery was not a slashing / it was painful and disfiguring
but I chose to have that tumor taken out of my body
and radiation did burn
but my meditation / mantra each time of 35 treatments
was that it was a
healing light
that I was directing to destroy what was standing
in my way
of a future

tonight I think loving thoughts
and gather courage
in memories and dreams

in the morning
I will wake up and say
thank you for this new day

PS: the last time I went in for a bone scan
the technician asked me a litany of questions
that should have been on his computer read-out
of me
anyway, when he asked in a monotone drone
"are you allergic to anything?"
I answered, forcing him to look me straight in the eyes:
"yes, boredom."
and he rolled his eyes
and I enjoyed myself immensely (where's that smiley face thingy?)