pulling apart, pulling together

the time for thinking about it is so long past
I am literally forcing myself to act
after years of being trapped in my
overwhelmed immobile state

when I came home from Oregon
in November of 2006
I did not unpack any of my art supplies/projects
used in the making of the DVD
with Creative Catalyst

I returned from the week of making
the DVD exhilarated and exhausted
all of the stuff from making all the projects
left behind in the studio
and all of the things that were shipped
to and from
were amassed
in hopeful mountains of creative ideas & piles
to-be-dealt-with
so that once again my studio
would resemble the space so tidy-looking
on my website that needs to morph into reality
ASAP

and then I had to look for a job
right away
Gary's job would end in a month
I started looking for a job
on a Monday morning...

one week later
on the next Monday morning,
was my fateful frightful mammogram
and my world spun out of control

I never have unpacked from Oregon
two years of a blur became 2008
and it became impossible to stay where we were
so we moved
and in that packing time
I had an operation

moving was so hard physically
but I was happy to move on
it was a mile and a world away
all of my art things were carefully jammed
into a very small space
and it is that small space that is becoming
finally a new space for me

In the past few days I have decided
to push past the fear and exhaustion I feel
at the very thought of beginning

major steps have been made
I am so tired of my frustration at not being able
to find what I want to use to make something
I am not satisfied buying those lovely publications
showcasing women's creative spaces
reading them in my disorganized
representative chaos

over these years, I have had millions of ideas
collected countless interesting thrift store treasures
which tend to disappear into a black hole
and now I want to rediscover what I refuse to lose

it is a process of pulling apart and pulling together
it is a reflection of the mirror experience in my
inside world too

I am not afraid now
my desire to create is strong and clear
it may not be a "pretty" process
but it is a good one
there is a longing in me for a creative space
a restful one
a place for music and reading and conversation
and the sound of Tibetan singing bowls
and the sounds of silence