a long long time

since hearing that we needed to move
time took on a strange life of its own
finding a place to rent was getting very rough
and the waters swirling all over seemed to never
pool in a smooth place for very long

the houses available were the houses that
were not the one on the street that you
hoped it would be
oh why does it have to be the one that needs the
most work?
I tried to wrap my head around making sense
out of anything that might possibly work

I can do this
I can fix that
we can ask for a lower price
maybe
the backyards were a mess or non-existent
my mind was stretching extremely far
Gary and Bryan were keeping pace better than
I was
and they encouraged me to see past what we were seeing
Hasn't that been a specialty of mine all these years?
What is wrong with me, why am I not the vision-maker I thought I was?
there was a point when
we kept seeing the prices going up and up
and the places correspondingly going down and down
and it all culminated in a drive together
to a "house" in Prathersville nearby on E. Tower Road
I believe it was east but that didn't matter

we were all stunned into laughter
it was so ridiculous
what the description was in print to the high rent
for such a low budget junky place IN REALITY
with a huge water tower at the end of the bumpiest road
since our romantic memory days in Guatemala!
this had no romance in it whatsoever
but it felt so good to laugh our asses off
to release some of the building sense of fear and gloom and doom
that we knew we had to shed
in order to persevere under the time gun
of finding a new place to live

in my mind
I stretched myself to keep believing that all would work out
the stretching was working at times
and wearing me down at other times
I do not want to be defeated by this
I want to rise to the occasion
if only occasionally
enough to be part of the team we have to be
to get to a new place
on many levels...

after weeks of searching
a phone call came that changed everything
Gary's sister who lives in Florida
called
she has wanted to buy real estate here in Columbia
for years as an investment
she would look around whenever they visited
I knew that yet not for even one second did I connect
that with our present situation
well, they did

she and her husband
want to buy a house and we will become the renters
who will be ever so grateful
and will take excellent care of their house/our next home
the gears shifted
it was a total screeching halt new direction experience

the next day I went to work and after taking care
of my elderly client for the morning
found myself overwhelmed and sick to my stomach
the stress that had been building just snapped
so I called in sick for the office part of my afternoon
and just collapsed
and began to regroup

working with a great realtor
we are looking for a house within the budget
and have seen a number of houses
one stands out so far
and will see many more this week
this must all happen within a relatively short time
since it takes about five weeks to pull it all together
once we all make a choice together

his sister was great about it:
"...so have fun, guys! Go online and shop for a house!"...
I hold onto that sentiment
I do feel serious about it all as this is an investment
for them in the long run
...

and and and and
Brandon flew from Sarajevo and is back!
what a transformative time for him
his stories are rich
his photos are treasures
the souvenirs that he bought us are so reflective
the letter sent to me from Mahdi's Mom
moved me so deeply
I starter to read it out loud while we were sitting
on the floor together
I started crying and handed the letter to him to read
and he got all choked up
and so we went back and forth
until we completed the note with such heart
handwritten by my first son's first love
as her mother shared her thoughts in another language
and yet the language of love
transcends all barriers
it was a note from one mother to another
speaking about the children we love
and our happiness for who they are as individuals
and who they are now together
it is a lovely handmade card
form two lovely women in a faraway land
not so far really
because I can hug the same young man
they embraced then in the flesh
and now in their hearts

to hear Brandon and Bryan laughing together is my music
my greatest joy
he came back on Thursday night
and wanted to stay at our place rather than his apartment
culture shock is one way to describe his process
talk about being stretched!
how wonderful that he was here
last night
when Bryan went on his first official date
and his first kiss!
my boys are very open OMG sometimes I wonder WHY!
we tease Brandon that he is like Will Smith's character
in the movie "Hitch"... the true love coach

and so we continue today looking at houses
and in the big picture
what truly matters is who we are becoming
whatever the address on the envelopes...

Art in the Park and Dorothy's frogs

this weekend is Art in the Park 2011
it seems like forever ago that I would get
to the point of being in my booth
surrounded by creations of my hands
shaking hands with people coming in
to look
many times to buy
to share a word or two
and to share a moment in time
a story with me

it was a lot of work to get to that point
it was a lot of work for us to set up and take down
Brandon remembers helping set up
Bryan was very little
I remember when Gary would take the kids
each day to come and see Mom
and how much I loved seeing their little faces
as they looked around and gathered in impressions
in their minds
I wondered how it affected them
in that moment and in their lives

my heart is always with the artists this weekend
and I wish I had unlimited funds to buy from
EVERYONE!
just to be part of that affirmation of their work
their visions
the art that becomes part of a new story as it
passes from creator to appreciator
to be used
to be admired
to be gifted to a friend
sailing away into another life

I see a huge swirl of activity
of hope
of eyes so tired from crunching until the final moment
there are the seasoned professionals
they have a certain presence
there are the newcomers
and oldcomers with new ideas
there are politics in play as well as sheer bliss
musicians play
and the children play
each year has a different flavor
like ice cream

this afternoon I am invited with other Home Instead CareGivers
to Ms. Dorothy's home
her daughter is wanting us to come and pick out a frog
or a sweatshirt from her vast collection
as a small token to remember her mama
that will be the first time all of us will be there
at her home together
and will be our last

I am sure we will share some funny stories
and walk away enriched by a kind and generous family
who really knows how to laugh
and live meaningfully

this morning I could have stayed in bed for the day it seemed
and so I got a much earlier start than planned
got some things accomplished
moved some stuff to the trash
set some things in motion

people and memories
people and memories
yes
more people and more stories
then
more memories
and loving people
making sure they know it
again & always
all ways
once again

insight upside

it was a relief to work yesterday
my elderly gentleman client
who makes a point of enjoying the fact that he is
4 years away from 100
asked me to place the mountain of mulch
around the dozens and dozens of marigolds I planted
it was time consuming and my back paid a certain price
but it was good to be outside sweating with a shovel
and some time to think...

at the office I could share with my boss/friend(s)
and the support meant a lot
not wanting to be just a sad/cranky person I appreciated
being in company
my client called the marigold bed "mine" since I had taken the project
from idea to completion
I had the opportunity to observe his birdhouse and bird feeders
reflecting on the idea of home in nature...

last evening we were on the phones with a realtor employed
to help us find our way with this

we are seeing the move from the point of view of change
and came up with some new ideas
now we shall see if we can actualize them
ok, onward

moving

I cannot believe this is happening but it is
our landlord came over today
he is such a great guy
I could tell something was up as soon as I saw him
but it took a few minutes to focus

a long story short
his son's family needs to move back to Missouri from Nevada
where a business venture did not go well...
this was their home before they left

we had exactly one year to the day left on our lease
it did not take me more than a few minutes past my restrained tears
to know what was the right and only thing to do

and so we move and it has to happen quickly
since they will be returning on August 1st

he was so aplologetic and I know he feels very bad about
asking us
and he told us we have the right to say we do not want to move yet, etc...
I lost it after he left and realized that what my initial
feeling in myself was: a sense of a lack of success
a failure to own our own home
that puts us at the mercy of circumstances

I went outside and opened a can of paint and started painting things
I have been thinking about painting
so I would just stop thinking and just do it
turquoise birdhouse
turquoise basket turquoise other basket and little box thingie
I threw some turquoise paint on a swing and on a table
and stopped when I was turquoised out of my mind

Bryan came out on the deck to take care of Mom

Gary was already looking for places online
and so we made an evening of it, driving around, round one

I called the landlord and he was very moved and will help us
he wanted me to take a few days to really think it over
but I don't need that much time
a few minutes sufficed earlier
there will be some kind of financial compensation I guess that's how these things are handled
and he will get a very good realtor who works with rentals
to help us starting tomorow

what can I say after Joplin?

I haven't really pulled myself together here since we moved in
and now it is time to move out
I will look for the upside and live there
Bryan will be my point man always all ways

funny, yesterday I went all out washing even the front door
and the whole entryway
I spent a lot of cleaning time
more than I am usually able to pull off consecutively
guess I am preparing for the marathon ahead
we will get help because Gary simply cannot do the level
of physical moving he did last time
I think we will form a temporary "company" and hire
friends of the boys...

I wish I had handled my initial response better
I was good while the landlord was here
then fell apart
it was like I could see who I wanted to be
this strong woman who could carry this for all of us
smile and do the right thing with energy and faith-forward
well, going outside to turquoise half the planet
was better than burying my head under pillows
I'll give myself that much

it made me appreciate Bryan and Gary even more
they are worried about my health through a big move
being on a chemo break now puts me in a much better position than last time
for sure, no question
Bryan is completely confident that I can make a home anywhere
so I will go along with him and do just that

through the door @ home

yes, he walked in and had good stories
from an overnight camping trip
the big spider on the sitting log
was creepy and bug stories always get creepier in the telling
...
all I wanted was to see his smiling face
and the overwhelming comfort will be my story for another time
...
Bryan and his friend ended up sleeping in his truck
trying to get a little warmer, less bugged, and more able
to talk together
about philosophy, "like Brandon and I did in the kitchen that time..."
they discussed ideas until three in the morning
the sunrise wakes you up
when there are no blinds and curtains blocking the light!
good morning
yes, good morning

bravehearts

when I came to this computer
songs were on a playlist and Enya came into listening view
of course she had done the theme from Gladiator
that music opens your soul up
rips it into surreal space with a beauty that haunts
then the theme from Braveheart
and I let the music float over me
and these faces and stories from the past horrific week
came one by one in front of my own face and story

Joplin
it has torn me up
the faces of three children telling their story of looking for their Mom
she had gone out to get pizza for them
and that would end up being the last time they would ever see her
how could that happen
she just happened to miss the news
of the severity of the storm?
why did I find myself caught on Wednesday when the siren went off
when I should have been at home instead of running around
buying the seniors on the tennis team gifts?
so I ended up in the inner room of one of my thrift stores
because I was in a quandary as to whether I should go all
the way home
or stay in closer proximity to the high school for Bryan...

the beautiful face of the high school boy in Joplin
he was in a massive vehicle a Hummer
and was so close to home
after his graduation
the tornado literally sucked him out through the glass of the
sun roof
his family looked for him believing he was in a hospital
somewhere
his body was finally found

going about daily life seems so detached
it was last night that I realized how afraid I have become
one of Bryan's friends joked with me that he was kidnapping Bryan
and I love this kid
the guys were going camping overnight
with his brother and a few friends

they left with his sleeping bag and a pillow
and the plan to be back in the morning
we joked around
did check the weather of course
and off they went

then a panic attack started to brew in me
I started to shake and cry and could barely put words
together in a sensible rational fashion
tried to reach Bryan by cell phone
no answer
left a panicky message
as much as I tried not to
Gary stepped in
got him on the phone
and Bryan, wise kind loving old soul patient man
assures me that they have tents
they are in a safe place with families camping nearby
and so I apologize
which he brushes away
and I was able to sleep
and sit here writing
wanting him to come through the damn door right now

I do not want to live in fear and project that on to my children
it has been a very painful week of sad stories
I feel such deep compassion observing their bravehearts
yet I do not feel very brave in this moment...

Joplin

I have never been to Joplin
the boys' tennis team from Joplin came earlier in the tennis season
their high school exists no longer
Brandon called from Bosnia earlier today to make sure we were ok
since Missouri is on the world map of sad events

a tree across the street from us lost a major limb and will
be taken down
we braced for storm winds covered a car with blankets and a rug
trying to protect from hail that was crashing across the state
there were hail descriptions and a chart showed variances
from pea size to golf ball to baseball and a weird egg size in the corner
of one meteorologist's graphs

I prepared the little bathroom downstairs in case we needed to crowd in there
if it got especially bad
the couch in my art room was made comfy and if we needed pillows
and a mattress to cover our heads, we were ready

Bryan shared with us that his best friend has connections
in Joplin, family and friends
they all happened to be out of town
and when they return
they will not have homes to go to
completely demolished

the map shows that more storms are coming
this is the season
glued to CNN, they are doing the best coverage
I was so heartbroken
by the scope of the damage and loss
thank god the high school graduation was held in a different location

one of the first reporters on the scene was a pro from The Weather Channel
he was so overwhelmed even after years of chasing these storms
that he was in tears that matched the rain

listening to the people talk
always the emphasis
is the value of all values - precious life
you can always buy another car
but a loved one is a priceless treasure