bravehearts

when I came to this computer
songs were on a playlist and Enya came into listening view
of course she had done the theme from Gladiator
that music opens your soul up
rips it into surreal space with a beauty that haunts
then the theme from Braveheart
and I let the music float over me
and these faces and stories from the past horrific week
came one by one in front of my own face and story

Joplin
it has torn me up
the faces of three children telling their story of looking for their Mom
she had gone out to get pizza for them
and that would end up being the last time they would ever see her
how could that happen
she just happened to miss the news
of the severity of the storm?
why did I find myself caught on Wednesday when the siren went off
when I should have been at home instead of running around
buying the seniors on the tennis team gifts?
so I ended up in the inner room of one of my thrift stores
because I was in a quandary as to whether I should go all
the way home
or stay in closer proximity to the high school for Bryan...

the beautiful face of the high school boy in Joplin
he was in a massive vehicle a Hummer
and was so close to home
after his graduation
the tornado literally sucked him out through the glass of the
sun roof
his family looked for him believing he was in a hospital
somewhere
his body was finally found

going about daily life seems so detached
it was last night that I realized how afraid I have become
one of Bryan's friends joked with me that he was kidnapping Bryan
and I love this kid
the guys were going camping overnight
with his brother and a few friends

they left with his sleeping bag and a pillow
and the plan to be back in the morning
we joked around
did check the weather of course
and off they went

then a panic attack started to brew in me
I started to shake and cry and could barely put words
together in a sensible rational fashion
tried to reach Bryan by cell phone
no answer
left a panicky message
as much as I tried not to
Gary stepped in
got him on the phone
and Bryan, wise kind loving old soul patient man
assures me that they have tents
they are in a safe place with families camping nearby
and so I apologize
which he brushes away
and I was able to sleep
and sit here writing
wanting him to come through the damn door right now

I do not want to live in fear and project that on to my children
it has been a very painful week of sad stories
I feel such deep compassion observing their bravehearts
yet I do not feel very brave in this moment...