several weeks ago
in the midst of being wound very tightly
Brandon came over to watch a movie here
I knew it would be a "guys night" kind of time
the movie not my kind of thing
called Drive
the ads made me nervous
Brandon is intrigued by films with edgy aspects
I still tend towards Singing in the Rain
so being tired anyway
I watched for a bit and knew I was at the edge of when it
would get intense beyond my desire to be part of it
went upstairs and fell asleep....
later
all I can recall was this awful noise
so loud and shocking
I started screaming in real life
and the difference between reality and cinematics
got all blurred
in my head I was back in time when Bryan was little
and there was an accident in the kitchen
a cabinet came off the wall
and I heard Brandon screaming Bryan's name
sleep at the time,
I ran into the kitchen and found Bryan
was inside the cabinet that had fallen on the floor
the door had opened and his little body fit inside
he was bumped but he was not crushed
I had screamed then, too...
that whole experience came rushing back and I was there
with my heart smashing inside of me
unable to differentiate what was going on from what had really
happened many years ago
downstairs in movie-land
the three guys at first thought that my screaming was part of the movie
so they were confused by my panic and calls to the boys
"are you alright? are you hurt?..."
"it's the TV, Mom. It's the movie. The sound got loud suddenly..."
I felt so sick and nauseous, heart pounding in painful memory
and a sickly relief came over me:
it was only a movie
then all of a sudden
there was a gentle knock on the door
I poked my head out of the blanket
there was a silhouette
my tall kind Brandon asking if he could come in
of course
and he sat at the edge of the bed and held my hand
he was all kindness and patience with me
his voice was soft and reassuring
he wanted to make sure I was alright
his being there made all the difference
he got up at one point and then sat down again holding my hand
a calm came to me
in reflection I realized the incredible power of gentleness
my son was taking care of his mother, once again,
and I remembered taking care of him over the years
the past, the present moment and a sweet glimpse into his future
he would be there for his wife, a little son or daughter who
perhaps will have a bad dream or a tough day and need a kind Dad...
I tend to relegate my fears to private rooms inside the cavern of my mind
a movie moment shattered the walls
and they came tumbling down
a man of kindness rescued me and turned the rubble
into soft clouds
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
cocoon time
trying to find a way to put into words
the past month(s) or so
the image of cocoon comes to mind
I had to look up how to spell it
this morning I go for treatment day
and will get a new med for the in-between time
during this chemo breaktime
just when I get a bit used to shifting away from
the past months, something new
yes, I am always grateful to have a new tool
or weapon to throw at cancer
and yes, it is quietly a bit scary to get into
new territory
not knowing how I will need to adjust to the side effects
that come along
I use the word "cocoon" to describe the last months
because I was able to go along to a certain extent
working, etc. and then essentially dropping off the grid
and onto the couch as soon as I would come home
it was hard to look into the mirror of my exhaustion
generally disappointed with myself
am I depressed?
is it helping to rest or
am I kidding myself trying to believe that?
the chemo was working as far as holding off any progression
and at the same time taking its toll on my energy
yesterday my friend Janet called at the office where I work
and I assured her that I was indeed ALIVE
in a cocoon-state of being
and would dedicate my next blog to her:
here it is!
I want to gently unwind this cocoon
and find a renewed sense of beginning-again
again
this morning Bryan and I ran out to the car to listen
to the radio
it is a whole story in itself
his sweetie Olivia and three other cast members
from the upcoming musical Grease were featured
on two different radio stations within minutes of each other
an interview on one station
a song on the other
Bryan will be dancing in his black Converse All Star sneakers
and on March 1, 2, 3
I will be tapping my feet in the audience
we loved every second this morning
sitting in the cold car together...
there are stories from Cocoon Land
that I kept in mind not to forget
sharing them will be part of unraveling the silk threads
the past month(s) or so
the image of cocoon comes to mind
I had to look up how to spell it
this morning I go for treatment day
and will get a new med for the in-between time
during this chemo breaktime
just when I get a bit used to shifting away from
the past months, something new
yes, I am always grateful to have a new tool
or weapon to throw at cancer
and yes, it is quietly a bit scary to get into
new territory
not knowing how I will need to adjust to the side effects
that come along
I use the word "cocoon" to describe the last months
because I was able to go along to a certain extent
working, etc. and then essentially dropping off the grid
and onto the couch as soon as I would come home
it was hard to look into the mirror of my exhaustion
generally disappointed with myself
am I depressed?
is it helping to rest or
am I kidding myself trying to believe that?
the chemo was working as far as holding off any progression
and at the same time taking its toll on my energy
yesterday my friend Janet called at the office where I work
and I assured her that I was indeed ALIVE
in a cocoon-state of being
and would dedicate my next blog to her:
here it is!
I want to gently unwind this cocoon
and find a renewed sense of beginning-again
again
this morning Bryan and I ran out to the car to listen
to the radio
it is a whole story in itself
his sweetie Olivia and three other cast members
from the upcoming musical Grease were featured
on two different radio stations within minutes of each other
an interview on one station
a song on the other
Bryan will be dancing in his black Converse All Star sneakers
and on March 1, 2, 3
I will be tapping my feet in the audience
we loved every second this morning
sitting in the cold car together...
there are stories from Cocoon Land
that I kept in mind not to forget
sharing them will be part of unraveling the silk threads
Thursday, January 26, 2012
last Saturday
five days ago already
we have been preparing for months
Bryan participated in Scholarship Day at Columbia College
here in our city
what an incredible day it was
there are 10 scholarships being offered
five are for full tuition room & board and are worth almost $100,000 for four years
five are for full tuition and those are valued at $72,000 over four years
Columbia College is a wonderful small liberal arts college
when I was 45 years old I took an art class (printmaking) there and had a great time
Brandon was destined to become a "Mizzou man"
the university suits him really well and this Spring he will be getting
his Bachelor's in Health Sciences degree
Bryan's approach to his next level of school is different
they both wanted to be in Columbia and that was fine with me
I never wanted them to feel tied to staying here
for any reason
and wanted them to pursue their dreams in the way
they individually chose to do it...
Bryan and I visited both schools and had tours, etc.
his grades and test scores were sent to both
the heart of his experience was a beauty to behold
there he was wearing a full formal black suit for the first time
all sharp and confident from head to toe
there were heart-poundings once we were on campus
but those went away once the conversation in his interview flowed well
laughter and good stories shared help so much
the questions he was asked were meaningful and his answers straight from his heart to theirs
he had an hour to write an essay based on two questions
and I know his writing is very special
as a parent I went through a nice program learning about the college
and was very impressed
with this community of learning
catered breakfast and lunch were a touch of class
and it was so wonderful to see Bryan beaming as he walked back with
the other students to join their parents
all together there will be approximately 50 students competing for the 10 scholarships
the experience up until now has been such a growing one for us
the two letters of recommendation that Bryan received added so much to what he brought personally
to the table
there are three Scholarship Days total, one more to be held in February
and then the winners will be notified the first week of March
one day at a time
one step at a time
and as Bryan quoted a Chinese Proverb in his essay:
"A thousand mile journey begins with one step."
we shall see where this particular journey leads him and us as a family.
whatever happens at Columbia College we will learn from it and go from there
hope is a power-filled word
I hope for Bryan
I hope for Brandon
I hope that all together we give much
laugh lots
grow strong
livestrong
and most especially lovestrong
we have been preparing for months
Bryan participated in Scholarship Day at Columbia College
here in our city
what an incredible day it was
there are 10 scholarships being offered
five are for full tuition room & board and are worth almost $100,000 for four years
five are for full tuition and those are valued at $72,000 over four years
Columbia College is a wonderful small liberal arts college
when I was 45 years old I took an art class (printmaking) there and had a great time
Brandon was destined to become a "Mizzou man"
the university suits him really well and this Spring he will be getting
his Bachelor's in Health Sciences degree
Bryan's approach to his next level of school is different
they both wanted to be in Columbia and that was fine with me
I never wanted them to feel tied to staying here
for any reason
and wanted them to pursue their dreams in the way
they individually chose to do it...
Bryan and I visited both schools and had tours, etc.
his grades and test scores were sent to both
the heart of his experience was a beauty to behold
there he was wearing a full formal black suit for the first time
all sharp and confident from head to toe
there were heart-poundings once we were on campus
but those went away once the conversation in his interview flowed well
laughter and good stories shared help so much
the questions he was asked were meaningful and his answers straight from his heart to theirs
he had an hour to write an essay based on two questions
and I know his writing is very special
as a parent I went through a nice program learning about the college
and was very impressed
with this community of learning
catered breakfast and lunch were a touch of class
and it was so wonderful to see Bryan beaming as he walked back with
the other students to join their parents
all together there will be approximately 50 students competing for the 10 scholarships
the experience up until now has been such a growing one for us
the two letters of recommendation that Bryan received added so much to what he brought personally
to the table
there are three Scholarship Days total, one more to be held in February
and then the winners will be notified the first week of March
one day at a time
one step at a time
and as Bryan quoted a Chinese Proverb in his essay:
"A thousand mile journey begins with one step."
we shall see where this particular journey leads him and us as a family.
whatever happens at Columbia College we will learn from it and go from there
hope is a power-filled word
I hope for Bryan
I hope for Brandon
I hope that all together we give much
laugh lots
grow strong
livestrong
and most especially lovestrong
Thursday, January 12, 2012
"clean"
yesterday was a big day for tests
PET/CT scan takes over two hours to complete
there was trouble with threading veins and I almost
fainted which was interesting since I am a veritable
pincushion after all these years
I do not understand all the tests and just do my
best
to follow the rules for eating and "water only"
and all the things that lead up to being on a table bed
and going through a huge donut
wrapped like a mummy
not moving a muscle
after the injection you sit still in a darkened room
for 45 minutes
and then under the donut...
I find it very peaceful on the other side of extremely
stressful
this machine is reading my insides
and will have a story to tell after I manage to sit up
and go to the other side of the building
I live these steps over and over
yesteday so many people were there it was very crowded
that can at times be demanding but this time it was
comforting because I saw many people
I have not seen in a while
and even though we would rather not see each other need
treatment or check-ups, etc. still we share a bond
that is profound and it is good to see that we are still alive
that is blunt and true
it is a long walk to my doctor's office when we will be looking
at scans together
our style is that we look at them together for the first time viewing
in other words, he generally does not pre-view them and then
give me whatever news there is to be given
we do it "live" action
bloodwork was good enough to allow chemo, good
then the computer gets set up for the trip inside of me
just minutes before I was getting the scan
all of a sudden I am looking at a "picture" of my ghostly
total self
and we are looking for what are called "hot spots"
places where cancer tumors exist
it is very distinct and for me very scary
on the five-inch version of me
there were no hot spots
and the doctor used the word "clean"
I had not heard that word before when looking at any kind of scan
over the past five-plus years
so I wondered what it meant
then he switched the screen perspective and we began
to take a trip through me
from the point of view of starting at my neck
and going through all of my major organs
it is a quick trip
and he smiled and used that word again: "clean"
no visible cancer tumors
I was stunned and quiet and wanting to make sure
I understood what he was saying and I was seeing
every single other time
there have been black spots meaning progression
this time... nothing
now, this does not mean that I do not have cancer
or that there are not cancer cells in my bones
but it does mean that the targeted chemo
is doing a powerful job
it means that at this time there is no progression of cancer
into soft tissue organs
and it means that all of the side effects are worth it
there is more time and there is more love to be shared
the people who have prayed and sent loving wishes
and hope
have given us a great gift
my doctor and nurses are an amazing life-team
and this morning that turned out to be a snow day
found Bryan and I peaceful happy campers at home
yes, I am half-bald, and eyelashless and feel somewhat whoozy and tired
overriding that is a gratitude
a fountain of grace-filled emotions and silent words
I thanked my body for fighting so hard
I thanked the chemo for fighting the fight
I thanked my 18 out of 20 finger and toenails for growing back
I thanked the eagle for soaring my way
I knew it was "big medicine" as my Mom's friend shared with us,
yet I do not understand it, just reflect upon it...
mostly I know that I am grateful for LOVE in LIFE
there is nothing greater
looking into the eyes of those I love
there is the cosmos of heart
that is home
PET/CT scan takes over two hours to complete
there was trouble with threading veins and I almost
fainted which was interesting since I am a veritable
pincushion after all these years
I do not understand all the tests and just do my
best
to follow the rules for eating and "water only"
and all the things that lead up to being on a table bed
and going through a huge donut
wrapped like a mummy
not moving a muscle
after the injection you sit still in a darkened room
for 45 minutes
and then under the donut...
I find it very peaceful on the other side of extremely
stressful
this machine is reading my insides
and will have a story to tell after I manage to sit up
and go to the other side of the building
I live these steps over and over
yesteday so many people were there it was very crowded
that can at times be demanding but this time it was
comforting because I saw many people
I have not seen in a while
and even though we would rather not see each other need
treatment or check-ups, etc. still we share a bond
that is profound and it is good to see that we are still alive
that is blunt and true
it is a long walk to my doctor's office when we will be looking
at scans together
our style is that we look at them together for the first time viewing
in other words, he generally does not pre-view them and then
give me whatever news there is to be given
we do it "live" action
bloodwork was good enough to allow chemo, good
then the computer gets set up for the trip inside of me
just minutes before I was getting the scan
all of a sudden I am looking at a "picture" of my ghostly
total self
and we are looking for what are called "hot spots"
places where cancer tumors exist
it is very distinct and for me very scary
on the five-inch version of me
there were no hot spots
and the doctor used the word "clean"
I had not heard that word before when looking at any kind of scan
over the past five-plus years
so I wondered what it meant
then he switched the screen perspective and we began
to take a trip through me
from the point of view of starting at my neck
and going through all of my major organs
it is a quick trip
and he smiled and used that word again: "clean"
no visible cancer tumors
I was stunned and quiet and wanting to make sure
I understood what he was saying and I was seeing
every single other time
there have been black spots meaning progression
this time... nothing
now, this does not mean that I do not have cancer
or that there are not cancer cells in my bones
but it does mean that the targeted chemo
is doing a powerful job
it means that at this time there is no progression of cancer
into soft tissue organs
and it means that all of the side effects are worth it
there is more time and there is more love to be shared
the people who have prayed and sent loving wishes
and hope
have given us a great gift
my doctor and nurses are an amazing life-team
and this morning that turned out to be a snow day
found Bryan and I peaceful happy campers at home
yes, I am half-bald, and eyelashless and feel somewhat whoozy and tired
overriding that is a gratitude
a fountain of grace-filled emotions and silent words
I thanked my body for fighting so hard
I thanked the chemo for fighting the fight
I thanked my 18 out of 20 finger and toenails for growing back
I thanked the eagle for soaring my way
I knew it was "big medicine" as my Mom's friend shared with us,
yet I do not understand it, just reflect upon it...
mostly I know that I am grateful for LOVE in LIFE
there is nothing greater
looking into the eyes of those I love
there is the cosmos of heart
that is home
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
it really was an eagle
a couple of weeks ago I stayed at work
about a 1/2 hour later than I needed to
just to talk with friends
in the middle of all the holiday stuff-goings-on
when I was close to our house
about to signal to take a turn
I glanced into the sky as a large shadow appeared overhead
and I absolutely was shocked to see a magnificent
bald eagle swooping in front of my car
the powerful white feathered head
incredible wingspan of brown feathers
the details of the white tail feathers and the golden beak
talons
it was right there in front of me
I didn't know if I was really seeing what I was seeing
until having slowed way down
I glanced at the car behind me in the rear view mirror
making sure I was not going to cause an accident and then
noticed the other driver was animatedly expressing his wonderment
at what we had both just witnessed
yes, it really was an eagle
and 30 seconds, even 5 seconds either way
and I would have missed that moment...
my soon-to-be-97-year-old client
has an amazing collection of books on the topic of Birds
birds of America, Missouri, Birds as the subjects of paintings
and when I told him of my experience
we researched and found that yes there are bald eagles in Missouri
very precious and rare
at one time there were none at all
and then they were reintroduced and there are perhaps about 50-pairs
in the state
the experience lifted my spirits
I did get the heart stress tests done
results are good tests were crazy and I decided
to reevaluate all the meds I am taking and with my doctor's help
took two off my agenda
it has been a bit of a rough ride
a lot like going through withdrawal so I have heard
and even though I did it slowly
it still hit me rather hard
the last few nights I have been able to sleep
without the cold sweats hot flashes jitters and shakes
and oppressive exhaustion that rattled me
the pain that I am dealing with is being handled by the meds
I continue to take
I think it is good to take assessment time
and make new starts and stops
today was chemo day
there is a connection with eagles
but I am too tired at the moment to write about it
I do want to say that my heart soared at Christmas time
being with my family
how lovely to have my sons' girlfriends here with us
the meaning-filled gifts we all shared with each other
made me laugh and cry
and sigh with warm gratitude
about a 1/2 hour later than I needed to
just to talk with friends
in the middle of all the holiday stuff-goings-on
when I was close to our house
about to signal to take a turn
I glanced into the sky as a large shadow appeared overhead
and I absolutely was shocked to see a magnificent
bald eagle swooping in front of my car
the powerful white feathered head
incredible wingspan of brown feathers
the details of the white tail feathers and the golden beak
talons
it was right there in front of me
I didn't know if I was really seeing what I was seeing
until having slowed way down
I glanced at the car behind me in the rear view mirror
making sure I was not going to cause an accident and then
noticed the other driver was animatedly expressing his wonderment
at what we had both just witnessed
yes, it really was an eagle
and 30 seconds, even 5 seconds either way
and I would have missed that moment...
my soon-to-be-97-year-old client
has an amazing collection of books on the topic of Birds
birds of America, Missouri, Birds as the subjects of paintings
and when I told him of my experience
we researched and found that yes there are bald eagles in Missouri
very precious and rare
at one time there were none at all
and then they were reintroduced and there are perhaps about 50-pairs
in the state
the experience lifted my spirits
I did get the heart stress tests done
results are good tests were crazy and I decided
to reevaluate all the meds I am taking and with my doctor's help
took two off my agenda
it has been a bit of a rough ride
a lot like going through withdrawal so I have heard
and even though I did it slowly
it still hit me rather hard
the last few nights I have been able to sleep
without the cold sweats hot flashes jitters and shakes
and oppressive exhaustion that rattled me
the pain that I am dealing with is being handled by the meds
I continue to take
I think it is good to take assessment time
and make new starts and stops
today was chemo day
there is a connection with eagles
but I am too tired at the moment to write about it
I do want to say that my heart soared at Christmas time
being with my family
how lovely to have my sons' girlfriends here with us
the meaning-filled gifts we all shared with each other
made me laugh and cry
and sigh with warm gratitude
Thursday, December 15, 2011
different day than planned
life happens so they say
original thoughts included meeting with Janet if she had time
and also going to lunch
our annual Christmas outing with the staff girls
at HomeInstead
and I would have loved doing those things...
life happens
to have different plans
than my own sometimes
Bryan woke up sick
fighting the cold lingering from yesterday
getting worse
and I woke up feeling nauseous from the chemo
and we'll leave it at that.
it was quiet here
Bryan and I take good care of each other
...
then later I went out to the store to get things for him
and wore a fun hat my cousin Sandra gave me
my hair was wasted
and I had no desire to deal with it
so hide it I say
we are both feeling somewhat better this evening
and enjoyed our Yogi tea
"Relaxed Mind"
is the blend
with honey and the sayings on our tea bags:
"The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment."
"May your mind learn to love with compassion."
we'll drink to that and we will also be watching
"It's a Wonderful Life"
Bryan is watching it in Film Studies class
and yippee
he needs to get caught up since missing school today
now that's a plan I can live with.
and right before watching the film
I am going to put up a pretty ornament on our tree
a bell
an angel bell
from the movie set of ornaments
thank you, Debbie
can y'all hear the bell ringing?
original thoughts included meeting with Janet if she had time
and also going to lunch
our annual Christmas outing with the staff girls
at HomeInstead
and I would have loved doing those things...
life happens
to have different plans
than my own sometimes
Bryan woke up sick
fighting the cold lingering from yesterday
getting worse
and I woke up feeling nauseous from the chemo
and we'll leave it at that.
it was quiet here
Bryan and I take good care of each other
...
then later I went out to the store to get things for him
and wore a fun hat my cousin Sandra gave me
my hair was wasted
and I had no desire to deal with it
so hide it I say
we are both feeling somewhat better this evening
and enjoyed our Yogi tea
"Relaxed Mind"
is the blend
with honey and the sayings on our tea bags:
"The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment."
"May your mind learn to love with compassion."
we'll drink to that and we will also be watching
"It's a Wonderful Life"
Bryan is watching it in Film Studies class
and yippee
he needs to get caught up since missing school today
now that's a plan I can live with.
and right before watching the film
I am going to put up a pretty ornament on our tree
a bell
an angel bell
from the movie set of ornaments
thank you, Debbie
can y'all hear the bell ringing?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
moments & months
a number of times I started to write
and then the words fell
through the cracks of time
not with a regret exactly
more like being in a conversation and then realizing
the words coming from my mouth simply do not match
what I am seeing in my mind's eye
and so I close my mouth
and then realize from one moment
to the next
more than a month has passed...
there were such perfect moments during the three days
of Bryan's performance experience
pure crystals-in-my-heart's-window memories
can they be captured in words? no
yet not to try is to let them slip through
the fine white sands of time
in my hands
this day I have chemo and tomorrow I have off from work
the first thought is to write here
other thoughts include Christmas cards
and so many to-do-list entries
there is something that came up:
my physical/muscle heart needs more checking after a stress test last week
I have known that something is up
we shall see next week
for now, my spiritual heart is more my focus
and it is in the most fleeting moment
that time tells it's deepest quiet stories
when I am quiet enough to listen and
whisper back
and then the words fell
through the cracks of time
not with a regret exactly
more like being in a conversation and then realizing
the words coming from my mouth simply do not match
what I am seeing in my mind's eye
and so I close my mouth
and then realize from one moment
to the next
more than a month has passed...
there were such perfect moments during the three days
of Bryan's performance experience
pure crystals-in-my-heart's-window memories
can they be captured in words? no
yet not to try is to let them slip through
the fine white sands of time
in my hands
this day I have chemo and tomorrow I have off from work
the first thought is to write here
other thoughts include Christmas cards
and so many to-do-list entries
there is something that came up:
my physical/muscle heart needs more checking after a stress test last week
I have known that something is up
we shall see next week
for now, my spiritual heart is more my focus
and it is in the most fleeting moment
that time tells it's deepest quiet stories
when I am quiet enough to listen and
whisper back
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