it was scary and then safe

several weeks ago
in the midst of being wound very tightly
Brandon came over to watch a movie here
I knew it would be a "guys night" kind of time
the movie not my kind of thing

called Drive

the ads made me nervous
Brandon is intrigued by films with edgy aspects
I still tend towards Singing in the Rain
so being tired anyway
I watched for a bit and knew I was at the edge of when it
would get intense beyond my desire to be part of it
went upstairs and fell asleep....

later

all I can recall was this awful noise
so loud and shocking
I started screaming in real life
and the difference between reality and cinematics
got all blurred
in my head I was back in time when Bryan was little
and there was an accident in the kitchen
a cabinet came off the wall
and I heard Brandon screaming Bryan's name

sleep at the time,
I ran into the kitchen and found Bryan
was inside the cabinet that had fallen on the floor
the door had opened and his little body fit inside
he was bumped but he was not crushed
I had screamed then, too...

that whole experience came rushing back and I was there
with my heart smashing inside of me
unable to differentiate what was going on from what had really
happened many years ago

downstairs in movie-land
the three guys at first thought that my screaming was part of the movie
so they were confused by my panic and calls to the boys
"are you alright? are you hurt?..."

"it's the TV, Mom. It's the movie. The sound got loud suddenly..."

I felt so sick and nauseous, heart pounding in painful memory
and a sickly relief came over me:
it was only a movie

then all of a sudden
there was a gentle knock on the door
I poked my head out of the blanket
there was a silhouette
my tall kind Brandon asking if he could come in

of course

and he sat at the edge of the bed and held my hand
he was all kindness and patience with me
his voice was soft and reassuring
he wanted to make sure I was alright
his being there made all the difference

he got up at one point and then sat down again holding my hand
a calm came to me

in reflection I realized the incredible power of gentleness
my son was taking care of his mother, once again,
and I remembered taking care of him over the years
the past, the present moment and a sweet glimpse into his future
he would be there for his wife, a little son or daughter who
perhaps will have a bad dream or a tough day and need a kind Dad...

I tend to relegate my fears to private rooms inside the cavern of my mind
a movie moment shattered the walls
and they came tumbling down

a man of kindness rescued me and turned the rubble
into soft clouds