"clean"

yesterday was a big day for tests
PET/CT scan takes over two hours to complete
there was trouble with threading veins and I almost
fainted which was interesting since I am a veritable
pincushion after all these years

I do not understand all the tests and just do my
best
to follow the rules for eating and "water only"
and all the things that lead up to being on a table bed
and going through a huge donut
wrapped like a mummy
not moving a muscle

after the injection you sit still in a darkened room
for 45 minutes
and then under the donut...

I find it very peaceful on the other side of extremely
stressful
this machine is reading my insides
and will have a story to tell after I manage to sit up
and go to the other side of the building

I live these steps over and over
yesteday so many people were there it was very crowded
that can at times be demanding but this time it was
comforting because I saw many people
I have not seen in a while
and even though we would rather not see each other need
treatment or check-ups, etc. still we share a bond
that is profound and it is good to see that we are still alive
that is blunt and true

it is a long walk to my doctor's office when we will be looking
at scans together
our style is that we look at them together for the first time viewing
in other words, he generally does not pre-view them and then
give me whatever news there is to be given
we do it "live" action

bloodwork was good enough to allow chemo, good
then the computer gets set up for the trip inside of me
just minutes before I was getting the scan
all of a sudden I am looking at a "picture" of my ghostly
total self
and we are looking for what are called "hot spots"
places where cancer tumors exist
it is very distinct and for me very scary
on the five-inch version of me
there were no hot spots
and the doctor used the word "clean"
I had not heard that word before when looking at any kind of scan
over the past five-plus years

so I wondered what it meant
then he switched the screen perspective and we began
to take a trip through me
from the point of view of starting at my neck
and going through all of my major organs
it is a quick trip
and he smiled and used that word again: "clean"

no visible cancer tumors
I was stunned and quiet and wanting to make sure
I understood what he was saying and I was seeing
every single other time
there have been black spots meaning progression
this time... nothing

now, this does not mean that I do not have cancer
or that there are not cancer cells in my bones
but it does mean that the targeted chemo
is doing a powerful job
it means that at this time there is no progression of cancer
into soft tissue organs
and it means that all of the side effects are worth it

there is more time and there is more love to be shared
the people who have prayed and sent loving wishes
and hope
have given us a great gift
my doctor and nurses are an amazing life-team
and this morning that turned out to be a snow day
found Bryan and I peaceful happy campers at home

yes, I am half-bald, and eyelashless and feel somewhat whoozy and tired
overriding that is a gratitude
a fountain of grace-filled emotions and silent words
I thanked my body for fighting so hard
I thanked the chemo for fighting the fight
I thanked my 18 out of 20 finger and toenails for growing back
I thanked the eagle for soaring my way
I knew it was "big medicine" as my Mom's friend shared with us,
yet I do not understand it, just reflect upon it...

mostly I know that I am grateful for LOVE in LIFE
there is nothing greater
looking into the eyes of those I love
there is the cosmos of heart
that is home