why isn't it pretty?

sleeping last night was rough
at one point I almost got up in the middle of the night
to erase delete eradicate disintegrate vaporize and generally
wipe out of existence

my previous blog

it isn't pretty
there is no poetry there
to write it so incomplete is to protect individuals
to not write it was to attempt to hide from
the serious reality that is mine right now
and that felt dishonest to me and avoiding
the very essence for even
writing at all

I want life to be loving romantic and memorable
it isn't always as pretty as I want it to be, is it

I want my sons to know from me that whatever comes
our way
we can work with it, through it, around it if we have to,
not running away
yet wise enough to protect ourselves when necessary
we will each approach situations with our uniqueness
our personalities, characters and perspectives
bringing all of ourselves, heart & mind, to the table
and learn a lot from each other in the process

I want to tell stories perhaps that I have polished a bit
sanding off the rough edges so that I feel more comfortable
and we look more "presentable"...
I want Love and Humor to prevail, to be the ultimate destination
yet the road to get there might have detours
of Pain and Sadness

the other day I realized that more people were reading this blog than
I knew
that moved me and it also caused me to pause and feel self-conscious a bit
time is precious
reading this, so many words, takes time
I want to give something worthy

well, it will not always be pretty
all I can do is my best
as humble and messy as my efforts may be at times...