facing it

looking at the reports of the death of Steve Jobs
from pancreatic cancer
made me face something I have needed to face
the last few weeks have been tough
ok
have I not faced that before

looking at the skinny self of a man driven
with creative passion
on a stage
the world stage
listening to his words
at a commencement ceremony
at a university
speaking fearlessly
about the freedom he knew
from facing his imminent death
and letting all pretense fall away
was to witness a powerfully free human being

he walked on his stage talking of his liver transplant
having received the liver of a young person who died
in a car accident
fighting on
creating on
I just felt so moved
and so sad
and so not wanting to wallow in my own
pity

so, no matter what the course
I am still here and able to see the sun shining
the leaves falling
another day

I have felt guilty not to be up to the tasks
before me
letting things slip through
not even having the energy to reflect here
in words
not wanting to play games with myself
in terms of hiding what I was really experiencing
not wanting to exaggerate it either
facing it squarely
and resting when it was too much

with his billions
Steve Jobs could not buy one more day
he was a year younger than I am
his life affected countless people alive today
and his life and his genius ripple into the future

each one of us has an eternal ripple to make
I have so deeply believed that my whole life
it is an honor to have met so many people
and more to come
complaint is not my favored state of mind and being
acceptance has been my goal when
my physical situation has pushed me into
places that are hard to embrace
as being part of my way

it has always helped me to look at and learn from
the example of others
and see my teachers all around me
when my eyes are focused
when my heart is open
and when my attention is outside of my self

last week I took my second round of the new chemo
it is the equivalent of two tablespoons or less
how could so little cause so much
may it do what it is intended to do
that is my meditation as I allow it to go into
my veins and do the job / fight the fight
I know now why this week I needed to have it off

last week Gary's Uncle Don collapsed
and had to have an emergency operation
to relieve blood clots forming in the brain
and had the operation here in Columbia
we have been able to be with him
and he has just been transferred to a nursing home
out of town....

at one point when I went to visit him alone in the hospital
we were communicating in our way
and I asked him what happened when he fell
fully knowing that his dementia might not
even allow him to remember the event at all
he looked into the air and said:
"When I was a little boy,
we would go outside and fly kites.
They would be up in the air,
and then if there was a big wind, like a storm,
the kites would get caught in the wind
and come crashing to the ground.
It was like that..."
and I sat beside him, amazed at the clarity
of the analogy

his story made me think about storms and getting up
after getting slapped down.
once again
a teacher before me
as he laughed at the next moment
with two big holes in his skull
with zipper stitches
and hair sticking up
and life hanging on

so I look at the mirror of now
and ask myself to please get on with the
new day
in a new way
facing it