the process of forgiveness

this past Sunday
Brandon came over, an invitation from me
there was a letter waiting (for a week) on the table for him
addressed here at my request so that we could read it
together
if he wanted to

we knew it was an apology
we opened it together.
a week before
he told me that he would "open it with an open heart"
and he did...

Brandon asked me to read it for us since cursive writing
is challenging sometimes
so I read it out loud for the two of us

it was a very important letter
a little over a year after a very damaging one had come into his life
and took much from him
at a fragile, generous life-changing time for him already
...

I am writing this with a massive headache
the kind that comes for me after I have had a very hard
cry last night
again a significant one
laced with painful memories
and another apology, sincere, heartfelt and received,
this one for me
I am stretched today, wishing I could simply sleep peacefully
but that is not to be
my whole system and world has been twisted up
and I am trying to find my balance
...

returning to Brandon
he received what was written as best he could
after a year of making adjustments in his own mind and heart
feeling deep grief, loss, and some honorable anger
having to watch his Mom, me, suffer
added much to his painful experience

I had a number of days to contemplate, to try to prepare myself
to be there for him
and for us, as an example of how to receive a person's apology
to really accept sincerity and to process it into
our beings
we can never control what anyone throws at us
yet we can control our response
and in a deep way, that defines us
not to others so much as to ourselves

we talked for quite a long time in the kitchen, just the two of us
and I saw forgiveness in a new light that day
it is not a "forgive and forget" mindset for me
we will never forget what has transpired in the past three years
and there is a lot more to be processed for a safe peace of mind
to be there for us
being wounded emotionally parallels being physically hurt
Brandon's way is to go through the pain and move forward
not live backwards. entrenched in drama
it is way of self-preservation and making the decision
to invest his heart forward
this is not a very good explanation of his thinking
but I am trying because I was wanting to listen to him
help him, learn from him, and try to figure out my own path with
forgiveness
I tried my best to model for him what a person can do and be
in this situation
how to make a positive outcome through our thinking and responses

it does take time
for me
it is not a word or a phrase or sentiments on paper
those things are the beginning but not the completion of forgiveness
trust must be restored and that takes time and more experiences
together
I am grateful for beginnings
Life, my life, would have been sad for the loss, so very sad.
now, our whole family needs to learn how to re-learn
what are the foundations upon which to build
truly loving compassionate tolerant patient kind positive healthy relationships

I could come up with infinite words
to describe what I believe is possible between people
in this second life of mine
I invite anyone from my first life
who is willing to live heart-to-heart

last night, while I was on the phone crying as we worked through
a lot of pain on the path to "I forgive you" and "welcome home"
my Bryan and his sweetheart Olivia were having a nice evening here
celebrating their two-month Anniversary of dating each other
when I gently hung up the phone
I went downstairs with my red puffy eyes, Einstein hair, and quiet heart
to make a late dinner for them
(Bryan was going to make it, but they accepted my offer!)

we talked about the simple menu and I got the food cooking
and two pretty candles on the table
set things up in a cozy autumn way
and they loved it
as I walked up the stairs listening to their young happy voices
the love of youth, the love of loving, made me so happy
and they wanted to be close to me
to home
to celebrate
as they learn about the beauty of blossoming hearts

I thought about Brandon so happy to be bringing
a purple scarf I knitted for his sweetie
to give to her as a gift
a simple symbol
and I think it is all that simple really
the "I am so sorry" experiences are woven into the fabric
of the "I love you so much" treasured moments
and the preciousness of life is understood and protected
...