trading off

what I hoped for yesterday:
attending the Holistic class on Tai Chi
I just couldn't get it together to go
too tired to drive safely
it was a long intense day at work

my little lady is slipping away
how do you describe getting closer to dying...
caring for her is getting more and more demanding
and at the same time more meaningful
when we do fun things like creating an
Easter Egg Tree
from "found objects" in her basement

all of her physical challenges - she takes them
one at a time and with good humor
and a very healthy dose of total memory loss
at very convenient times for her

it might serve me well at times to remember to forget

being off chemo has its definite advantages
and I want to stay off as long as I can
it is hard for me to understand how this little
tiny white pill that I take once a day
can "substitute" for chemo treatment or "hold off" cancer
in the meantime
how can that itsy bitsy pill also make me so
"fatigued" that I want to hide in bed every chance I have

I read the side effects of what I take sometimes
and it reminds me of those med-commercials
with the lovely butterflies, sunny scenes,
dance-able music and dire warnings all wrapped up
in a marketing package
that makes you sleepwalk into your doctor's office
with glazed over eyes
begging for meds that could kill you
right after you have the time or sleep of your life

after reading my potential side effects
I tend to erase the negative aspects and replace them with
my good ol' standby:
"The best side effect is BEING ALIVE, thank you very much."

so there is always a series of trade-offs
exhaustion rather than fog
being the the choice de jour
I am grateful either way

I have the energy to do so many things
even though I did miss the class I wanted to attend last evening
after work, I organized my time to coordinate with
Bryan's pick-up time (sketchy now with crutches in the picture)

at one of my thrift stores
I found this book titled: The Power of Mother Love
flipping around taking a few words in here and there
I settled in on the Dedication page:

To little Austin,
my first grandbaby,
whose birth has brought me great joy
and strengthened my resolve to defeat cancer.
Truly, the timing of your birth was part of God's design.

that made me smile
and head to the counter to gladly pay $.50 for
this hardcover gem...