hair to cut

when it drives me crazy
zippy zip it gets the scissors

hair

when I used to have a bunch of it
that was a very long time ago
long long hair
it was maybe the only physical aspect
of myself that I thought was
rather cool

it became peppery and then snowy
and came to the point of
existing no more

when I asked Bryan who was then 14
to help me cut it all off
since it was coming out in hand-fulls
the red plastic dishpan
was on the bedroom floor

without permission
I grabbed Gary's electric shaver
(my quadruple blade razor was highly ineffective
let alone lethal)
bent down over the dishpan
and Bryan asked me if I was ready...

this was about two years ago.
was I ready?
go ahead, just do it
and I watched a snowfall before
my eyes
tumbling

and then it was all gone
off my head

I lifted my eyes to see
my sweet little son
gentle and smiling

it was such a totally vulnerable moment
to share...

that was how I entered my bald-phase

eventually curly frizzy-cool stuff
came in, over time straightened out
and started to look normal again
whatever normal means

yesterday I went for a haircut
a bit sensitive in the feeling department
since in my estimation
my hair has been thinning since the new
treatment - a side effect is thinning hair
possibly
and usually I enter the realm of lower percentages

only my hairdresser knows for sure
remember that?
anyway, Melissa said that my hair only
felt thinner because it was longer
and parting from weight
(as weighty as wisps might be)
and that put me in a very good mood

soooooo, after she finished with her scissors
I let her put this weird stuff by Bed Head
called "manipulator"
and it was the craziest stuff:
silly putty meets alien goo
and I told her to make my hair spiky
and just do whatever she thought was kooky

I had some hair to cut
there was some on my head
and there was some on the floor
enough to warrant a broom sweeping

over these years
my whole identity as a physical human woman being
has been ripped apart
to the point of near extinction

it is disconcerting when running into
someone I know
who does not know me
that has happened many times

the strangest is when I run into
me
in a mirror (or a photo)
and don't know who it is
one time it was an extreme experience
it was at the mall
those reflective surfaces as you walk along
I caught a glimpse of someone
it was me
and I did a double-take
stepped back
stood there
and figured out that it had to be me
a little slow on the uptake
but finally focused in

yes, I can laugh about these episodes
and that is my usual tactic
staying away from cameras
and using only night-lights around mirrors
are other tactics
not easy to see a self-photo
that you do not recognize
or want to recognize

what happened to her?
her face fell off the planet
no eyelashes (that's happened again this time)
no eyebrows (nearly gone now)
kind of fat (I asked Bryan if I am fat:
"You are not fat, Mom. Maybe a little "plumpy"
that's all...")
I love the word "plumpy"!
but not the reality, so I am shedding some
plumpy poundage during this chemo break

what I am rambling away about:
there are times when I don't know
who on earth I am.
when I see that as an
open door
to experimenting
that is when I am healthiest
in my thinking & total beinghood

I am going to go out and buy a jar
of Bed Head Manipulator

if people do not recognize me
no wonder there!
I just might go ahead and
re-introduce myself
after all it is my 2nd life