on crutches

Bryan is on crutches
finding out that he did not have broken bones
was of course good news
made for a crazy day to find that out on Friday

slamming your feet on tennis courts
has consequences
it is so hard for me to see my kids
get hurt,
wishing I could just take it away
take it myself

the first thought I had when I heard
I had cancer:
thank god it is me and not my kids...
and I have mentally over the years had these thoughts
that border on deal-making-with-the-Highest-Powers-That-Be:

"OK, I have cancer, and I will deal with it as best I can.
If I promise to be good about it,
no whining,
as little cursing as possible,
doing my absolute best and all that good-girl-stuff,
will You please make sure my kids
do not have to deal with this, please, PLEASE?..."

I may speak lightly about this in the moment,
but there have been truly very dark times
when this type of thinking was desperate pleas,
and tears in the night into a pillow
soaked with pain and dread

there are seasons outside and in.
there is panic and there is peace.
there is bracing for results from
Brandon's recent MRI
and Bryan's x-rays
my scans
and there has been relief
shared by all of us for all of us.

last night Bryan and I went to see Bye, Bye Birdie
at his High School
he had friends in the production and friends to sit with

I loved it when his friends gathered around him
to sit and see how he was doing,
teasing him for not having his crutches
(he did not want to draw attention to himself
when all attention should go to the actors)
they were all sitting behind us

Bryan did not want me to sit alone
I wanted him to be free to be with his buddies
so I found another seat
and had a lovely time watching them at a distance
enjoying being together
seeing their friends on stage
and giving them the standing ovation the whole
cast and crew deserved

What a great time we all had!

speaking of crutches and leaning on them...

I realized something on Saturday when I attended
the Holistic Healing Group on the topic of: Journaling
it has happened each time I attend one of the meetings,
no matter the topic of the evening or day:

I get very very serious and things hit me emotionally
in ways that surprise me at times:
I am not in my usual find-the-sunny-side-of-life mode
I let down my guard perhaps
I am not in performance-for-the-sake-of-others mindset
perhaps it is my safe place to let the more intense aspects
be revealed
I get teary-eyed listening to others speak
and share their stories
when I decide to speak, my voice sounds low to me,
not meant for dramatic effect at all,
just the sound that comes out when I open my mouth
in a room filled with warrior-women I admire and respect
what I want to say sometimes gets stuck in my chemo-head
at other times is so clear I see crystal wrapping a phrase

at other times, a veil of waterfalling eyes
with words struggling to know the next one to put in place
to give to the discussion
to add to the community of learning
to just let something out of my soul so that I can feel a relief
just for having said whatever it is, out loud

journaling... so many forms
connecting... so many expressions
loving... infinite possibilities
living... in this moment, as totally as I can

on crutches, Bryan will be able to use elevators in school for a few days
healing by lifting off the pressure...

when I need to lean on my friends,
they are so there for me, literally lifting me up.
I pray that I may equally be there for them.