two weeks = too long

this has been the longest two weeks
my handling of the waiting to hear whether Bryan
has received a scholarship
or not
has not been the most inspiring example

the earliest any of the ten winners could expect to hear
was on March 4th (I believe that was the case)
with a public announcement on the 5th

Bryan came home from school on that Monday and happened
to check his facebook page
and saw GREAT NEWS for a friend of ours:
Lauren had won one of the five big scholarships
and the award happened at Hickman High that day at lunch
Bryan eats lunch in the Fine Arts building so he missed
the presentation
we felt happy for her and her family (Jeff's daughter / Jeff is a
part of our HMM group from years ago...)
and at the same moment realized that if one family had
been given news, perhaps all ten families had? and we had not

I watched Bryan's face and his spirit sink and a wave overcome him
and me, too
he realized in that instant how much he counted on winning
and how much he had grown to want to go to Columbia College
over the months of preparing for the competition and meeting
people along the way through the entire process
he had received such open support and encouragement
that it seemed certain that he would be included
I know that we both held a certain kind of reserve
created a certain protective coating and distance
in case things did not go as hoped...
we talked about not taking anything for granted
not being arrogant
not wanting to expect anything
and at the same time
hoping and hoping.

Bryan shared with me that he had begun to see himself there
and thought in terms of planning for his future - starting there...

then all of a sudden a silence
and the earth was not solid under our feet

I decided to email the Admissions Counselor who had guided us
every step of the way
to ask simply if all the winning candidates had been contacted
and what the timeline was for notification (if there was still hope)
I had not been clear about that from the outset
he emailed me back and explained that over the course
of the next two weeks - up until Monday March 19th - each individual
had a time slot allotted to him or her for the presentation
of the awards

I know what it is like to wait for things like cancer test results
or for my hair to fall out
or for whatever for me but this has been much harder by
light years
I want my sons' dreams to come true
if Bryan does not win a sholarship to this school
we cannot afford to send him there
and he will go to the University (an excellent school)
and he knows that he will do
his best to accept that ~
going to Mizzou is what Brandon wanted and it has been very good for him
Bryan is a different person...

I have literally gotten sick over this whole thing and
I am not proud of that fact.
Stress is not my best friend.
There is nothing we can do but wait.
Bryan did everything he could and I am proud of him no matter what
happens with this one award...

I have watched how Bryan has handled the pressure and am so impressed
I have apologized to him for not being the "more adult" under the
circumstances
he has developed as a man in so many ways
there is a depth to him that I admire deeply

Brandon has been checking in on Bryan and the other night
Thursday night
I really appreciated his support for his little brother
Brandon was over at our house and we were talking about
this and that
and at some point in the conversation it came up that Bryan
was frustrated with his cell phone and wanted to get another one
but that would have to wait (another wait)

Brandon had a phone that he loved at one point
super duper camera capabilities, too, and for whatever reason
has another that he now uses, with the older one stored away
about a year ago or so Bryan had wanted to buy it from him
but that didn't happen...

long story shorter
Brandon all of a sudden said to Bryan:
"Okay, Bryan, I am going to give you your Birthday and Graduation present
early - I am going to give you my (fancy-dancy) cell phone!..."
Bryan's smile made the sun shine at night!
I was so thrilled for both of them.
we made it happen that the phone was in Bryan's hands that night
and after a couple of back and forths to Brandon's house to get
all the parts
Bryan had one piece of a happy puzzle in place

yesterday Bryan (who had charged the phone overnight)
brought it to school to show his girlfriend and friends
it is like entering the new millenium or something compared to his old phone
apparently
and when I picked him up at the career center at the end of the school day
Bryan got his first call on his new phone
it was from Brandon
who texted (almost exactly) "how's the new phone, CHAMP?"
and I was just so happy he called Bryan a champ.
I am crying now because he is and he needed to hear it

we do not know what will happen in terms of the scholarship right now
but we will know within the next couple of days
how we handle the news with Bryan
whatever it is
is meaningful to me
there is one thing that I can guarantee:
he will be surrounded by people who love him
and see him as a "champ" and we will carve a path together

anywhere