"going through it"...

there are so many ways of handling deep disappointment
as a family
is better than

alone

we finally found out late yesterday that Bryan
did not win one of the ten scholarships
he came in close, something like #12...

I had my falling apart experience on Sunday evening
even though technically there was still one day left
Bryan came to my rescue
in a typically wonderful Bryan way:

he had a homework assignment to do a paper
using satire as the style of creative writing
in the middle of this whole wrenching time
he has his sense of humor intact
and writes this great "newspaper" article
with professional-style graphics about the "bullying of gingers (redheads)"
and it is hysterical

so while I was just in the biggest crying jag in years
moments before
he has his arm around me
and I am laughing my head off reading his paper...

last night I did my best to be there for him
I did not have the same wisdom he offered me the night before

what happened?
in July when we first started on this whole adventure
going to both schools
I wanted him to have as much exposure to possibilities
as I could manage

early on, Bryan was told by an Admissions counselor
at Columbia College
that he would receive one of those scholarships
no doubt about it
was the attitude
I cautioned about holding onto that
but I held on ~ we both did

I see many mistakes on my part in retrospect
and I see what I perceive to be communication problems
at significant junctures along the way

we did not need to go through these last two weeks
the way we did
and all the details of the misleading messages
I cannot live through one more time right now

so on to the next road
we are in scrambling mode to pull together options
we are in learning mode and some of it hurts

it was not brilliant of me the way I handled everything
in my sadness there was a grief because I realized
that I was holding on to believing that Bryan's security
for four years was set
and four years to me in my position is a long time
if I could know that he was in a good safe place
an environment where he was "more than just a number"
as he would put it,
then somehow I was safe, too...

the drama will subside,
I will call a meeting to share our side of the experience
in case it could help some future family not have to go
through more anxiety than necessary - like letting us know...
I want to move on to finding the way to make
Bryan's next years inspiring

there will be a way

there is a new TV show coming out called "Touch"
and I find the premise intriguing
I need to get ready for work so I will let that go for now
yet there were basic ideas in the series pilot
that are helping me cope with this situation at hand

we will use this experience and learn from it
we will go through it
around it
inside it
tear it apart and not let it tear us apart
we will build on it
and I believe we will meet people meant to be met
and we will chart a course
get in the dirt and shovel the path
wipe the sweat off our foreheads
and laugh

again

because we will get through it:

together