raw

just lost a long post.
just as well
it wasn't raw enough I guess

driving along together recently
Bryan told me that he liked the way I wrote here
"raw" he called it
he said he saw it as a book but hesitated to tell me that
in case it might affect the rawness of the way I write
not to worry
no other way now
no turning back
I am glad he likes the "titles" of the posts
this one you named, Bryan

the move happened
we are all still shell-shocked is the best way I can describe us
it is like I can't even talk about it yet...

intense points of goodness, togetherness, frustration, exhaustion,
laughter, sweat, so much sweat in this heat wave
I proved when I was really young that I could live
from what I carried in a backpack:
WHAT HAPPENED? they asked me...
now it is drawer by drawer, box by box to a new place
physically to call home
mentally & emotionally to feel home

"a giving legacy" would be a nice topic
for an article, I thought as I contemplated where I could donate
mountains of books and stuff that threatens to swallow me up
yet would become usefully/joyfully-employed if sent on their merry way
I need to find this peaceful happy place to operate from
a Land Away from how shell-shocked we all are now

my mother is also in a new home, temporarily, in Albuquerque
she fell and broke her hip about two weeks ago
and is now in a wonderful rehab center
called The Good Samaritan - Manzano del Sol - translation:
Apple of the Sun
even the name makes you feel happy, you know?
step by good step...

yesterday I got a call letting me know that my tumor markers are up
spiked in the last month
hard news
will hear today about tests and dates etc.
I have been off chemo for maybe seven months
it takes about 18 months to leave the side effects completely behind
I have not had that experience in five years
without sounding like a whiner
it is like being told that after starting to taste the
light of day
it is time to wire you up again
and go back into a haze
a cave
and you know it has to be that way
and I accept it
and I am grateful
yes I am
and I am also afraid and sad about it
I will do the tests
and wait that endless wait for the results
put on a shirt that stretches at the neck
so they can access my port
and accept with a gracious mind
the liquid-fighter
that buys me more time
the best side effect is:
being alive
I will say it over and over again as I descend into a fog
that I will mask as best I can

we will see
perhaps we can buy a little more time with
another treatment
once we figure out what is going on.
It is always about "team"
for me.

thank you, my teams
I cannot stand alone
only together