holy (whatever)... when all is said and done

as I was writing Holy Moly Mackeroly over ten years ago now
I oftentimes thought of how satisfying it would be someday
if I could time it just right
to write it all out
to the marrow
strip every word and thought down to its essence
to find the simplest truth
know it because I live it
and then just say it

when all is said and done

what a privilege to have written a couple of books
that touched a few lives along the way
the first was a compilation of stories that I felt absolutely compelled
to get down on paper before turning 50
done deal
such long pages
so many words
any professional editor would have taken a chainsaw to it
and trimmed off half
at least
I didn't want that then

the second one
the words were tighter
and my hands did most of the talking

the dvd with Creative Catalyst
was like the rush of a wave
like a race against time
to get it all down
fill in the cracks of what came before
and then as soon as I returned
a blur......... and it is almost five years later

when all is said and done

my days and moments are tied into a woven dichotomy
that juxtaposition
of grateful to have the medical tools and physical strength
to live a 2nd life
or a 3rd or 100th depending on the definition
and seeing natural lives completing themselves

the beauty and agony of youth
cause my heart to beat and break me open
I watch
in wonder
in pain
in celebration
in acceptance
not in resignation
but in knowing

that when all is said and done

I love
therefore
I am