planting words

"sticks and stones
can break my bones
but names will never hurt me."

bs
wrong
not the truth

I have a sense where that came from
and it may inspire a bit of courage
when faced with angry words
or accusations
name-calling from an emotion-bully
yet it evokes sadness in me
not courage

names and angry words can cut you to the essence of yourself
and the scars can heal, yes,
the damage causing a caution, a sensitivity...

on Friday
I was faced with angry words blasted in my direction
in my three years as a senior caregiver
this has happened several times
and I get caught off guard every time

all the details are immaterial in a way
I made a mistake in judgment
good motivation, wrong timing, sorry me
sorry mess of tears after anger flies at me

all over one package of spaghetti noodles
one jar of sauce and one pound of ground beef...

goofy in some ways, dementia in action
my good intention perceived as usurping power
and so after tears
and a day off
I went back to the scene
and we worked through it
what a long long morning it has been
apologies in both directions
I will be infinitely more cautious
will never ever ever ever purchase anything
that is NOT ON THE GROCERY LIST
and learned something about living-language in the process

we are always planting
planting ideas
planting words, thoughts
planting actions
planting now
what grows into our reality
and the stuff of memories

what do we plant?
words of courtesy?
words of anger?
thoughts of giving?
thoughts of revenge?
actions that are motivated by heart?
actions that explode and damage people's lives?

reaping what we sow...
now that old idea works more in my mind
in the present

what kind of garden do we grow in our lifetimes?
our thoughts, words and actions bloom
in the seasons of our time

I love sunflowers and French lavender
I love bouquets that have many varieties of color
and texture
I love living plants that bear fruit
and surprise us with displays even in the snow

angry words are planted, too, and the weeds
and nasty evasive growths coming from them
are very hard to extract
they crowd a lovely delicate bloom
angry plantings have roots that grow deep
if left to multiply

I could be angry if I wanted to be
I know cancer patients who are consumed with anger
I know non-cancer people consumed with anger
it grows
and you do have choices on how to deal with it

I could be angry that I did not receive the kind
of nurturing love I needed to grow in ways that
seem like they would have been lovely
my father did not give me that
I could continue to blame him
for certain deficiencies in my heart and personality, etc.
I choose not to do that.

I uprooted myself
and planted myself in other soils...

every day I am the gardener of my life