un-blogcked

just lost a long message
whatever
too many words dancing around what needs to
be said and faced

it has been hard to write
blogging-blocked
this will be sketchy and a bit all over the place...

the other night I got lost going to a friend's
home for a book club meeting
there was construction that threw me off
I got so flustered and unnerved
I got home
that was important

today I found out that my tumor marker numbers
have escalated
and tomorrow I will begin a new chemo treatment
it is new on the market
and so it had to be ordered today
so I can begin in the morning

once a week / two weeks on / one week off
will lose my hair again
I was starting to get used to having it
I am very fortunate to have another weapon/tool
for the arsenal/toolbox

as for other side effects
we'll see as we go along
I tend to not get all involved in the brochures & pamphlets
and read all the warnings that sound like
those horrific drug ads on TV
I read just enough to know what I need to be aware of
in terms of when to contact my doctor for help...

tomorrow Denise is bringing (my) meditation robe
so I can put it on before treatment
it has given others
strength by wearing it
so with their spirits woven into the fabric
I am honored to wear it once again

I made that robe originally for an art show
in Lincoln, Kansas
thanks to my friend Pam who lives there
we had such a great time there
seven of us, right?
in the sunflower fields
so many moments that are as crystal clear
as the crystals that dance in my morning window

Bryan hugged me when we walked in the door
after I picked him up from school
he told me that I was the strongest person he knew
I said that I really didn't feel that way myself
as I was crying at the time

"Mom, you are strong enough to cry in front of others..."
now that is a side effect that I treasure right on the spot

the other day I was reading a lovely book
written in a poem form of sorts
more like a blog actually
written by one of our Home Instead clients
an elderly gentleman who was a doctor here in town

he called his book "The Story of a Marriage: a love poem"
and I was enjoying his words, his stories, the longevity
of two individuals
the longevity of a marriage
and then I got "blindsided"
on page 47
he started to talk about friends of theirs
who started falling like dominoes
from different cancers
and then he referred to a woman friend {paraphrasing}
who we watched collectively holding our breath
when she was diagnosed with breast cancer
for seven years
until bone by bone the cancer took her
and in the end she died writhing in pain...

I thought I was going to throw up
it made me that sick to read those words
a few lines tucked into a lovely tale
that slapped me across the room
with a panic
I forced myself to finish reading the book
I pushed myself down the stairs to be with the guys
it didn't matter what they were doing
just as long as I was not alone
being so scared...

today I talked with Dr. Tungesvik and Denise
about it so I could get it out of my system
he assured me that he would not allow me to do any writhing
and that we had years ahead of us
and he spoke of spiritual things that I needed to hear...
Denise shared with me how important it is to
do the things and be with the people that/who bring me JOY...

I look forward to wearing my warrior woman robe tomorrow
then when the chemo drips in
I will close my eyes
and remember what my wonderful surgeon said to me almost 5 years ago:
"My job is to take good care of you in the operating room.
Your job is to have a good dream."